I didn’t renew my season tickets to the Miami Dolphins this year. With a 1-7 home record last year and the NFL dicking its fans around with a lockout, I just couldn’t stand the idea of pumping a couple grand into such a filthy economy. As atonement, I have decided to chronicle the pain and putrefaction that comes with being a diehard Dolphins fan. We will rejoice or regurgitate together depending on the week’s box scores.
I thought it fitting for the night to start with a Stealth Bomber flyover of Sun Life Stadium. People think the Stealth Bomber is the most amazing piece of military machinery around, but in reality it is being phased out of action. This spectacle — flash followed by fumes — typifies the NFL. It’s how you get hooked early on pure excitement and end up eating orangutan shit for 30 years with a mediocre team.
Every time I see a little kid in a Dolphins shirt I cringe a little at the poor sucker’s future. “You don’t deserve this,” I think. What he doesn’t yet know, and I know too well, is that the Dolphins are going to blow it in the end, that no matter how well the game is going the commercial break is enough time for the whole team to succumb to its latent ineptitude, that each season is the rock of Sisyphus and the only means of maintaining one’s sanity vis-à-vis South Florida sports is functional alcoholism and an irrational hatred of the New York Jets.
That hatred easily carries over to the New England Patriots, another AFC East division rival that has had the Dolphin’s number for the last decade. Last night was no different. Anyone who tuned in to Monday Night Football watched the script performed as preordained. SOP for the Dolphins against the Patriots is encouraging competition for three minutes and then a degrading massacre perpetrated by Tom Brady and company.
Christ I hate Brady. Unconditionally. America’s golden boy — really ninja, pirate, centaur rolled into one Gisele-landing Stetson spokesman — led a precise 38-24 win for the Patriots that featured an NFL-record-tying 99.5-yard touchdown catch by former-Dolphin Wes Welker. The reception came only moments after the Dolphins, trailing 31-17 late in the fourth, failed to get into their end zone from one foot out. At the end of the game, Brady threw for four touchdowns and 517 yards.
The Dolphins defense obliged with noodle-armed tackling (i.e., not tackling) and periodic displays of emphysemic vigor. Running back Reggie Bush flashed brilliance but logged mediocrity (38 yards on 11 caries). If the punishment he endured Monday night continues he will most likely be dead before the bye week, which is to say he will outlive me.
Next Sunday the Dolphins play the Houston Texans, a team that has the best running back and the best wide receiver in football. We have literally never beaten this team. Great.