Damn Dolphins

By | September 13th, 2011 | 17 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell


I didn’t renew my season tickets to the Miami Dolphins this year. With a 1-7 home record last year and the NFL dicking its fans around with a lockout, I just couldn’t stand the idea of pumping a couple grand into such a filthy economy. As atonement, I have decided to chronicle the pain and putrefaction that comes with being a diehard Dolphins fan. We will rejoice or regurgitate together depending on the week’s box scores.

I thought it fitting for the night to start with a Stealth Bomber flyover of Sun Life Stadium. People think the Stealth Bomber is the most amazing piece of military machinery around, but in reality it is being phased out of action. This spectacle — flash followed by fumes — typifies the NFL. It’s how you get hooked early on pure excitement and end up eating orangutan shit for 30 years with a mediocre team.

Every time I see a little kid in a Dolphins shirt I cringe a little at the poor sucker’s future. “You don’t deserve this,” I think. What he doesn’t yet know, and I know too well, is that the Dolphins are going to blow it in the end, that no matter how well the game is going the commercial break is enough time for the whole team to succumb to its latent ineptitude, that each season is the rock of Sisyphus and the only means of maintaining one’s sanity vis-à-vis South Florida sports is functional alcoholism and an irrational hatred of the New York Jets.

That hatred easily carries over to the New England Patriots, another AFC East division rival that has had the Dolphin’s number for the last decade. Last night was no different. Anyone who tuned in to Monday Night Football watched the script performed as preordained. SOP for the Dolphins against the Patriots is encouraging competition for three minutes and then a degrading massacre perpetrated by Tom Brady and company.

Christ I hate Brady. Unconditionally. America’s golden boy — really ninja, pirate, centaur rolled into one Gisele-landing Stetson spokesman — led a precise 38-24 win for the Patriots that featured an NFL-record-tying 99.5-yard touchdown catch by former-Dolphin Wes Welker. The reception came only moments after the Dolphins, trailing 31-17 late in the fourth, failed to get into their end zone from one foot out. At the end of the game, Brady threw for four touchdowns and 517 yards.

The Dolphins defense obliged with noodle-armed tackling (i.e., not tackling) and periodic displays of emphysemic vigor. Running back Reggie Bush flashed brilliance but logged mediocrity (38 yards on 11 caries). If the punishment he endured Monday night continues he will most likely be dead before the bye week, which is to say he will outlive me.


Next Sunday the Dolphins play the Houston Texans, a team that has the best running back and the best wide receiver in football. We have literally never beaten this team. Great.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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17 Comments on “Damn Dolphins”

  1. 1 Vince Herrera said at 9:31 am on September 13th, 2011:

    It was the shittiest display of tackling I have ever seen. Sapp had no idea the ball was in the air at.any given time. We got rid of the BEAST Polite for what? NOTHING! We have Bush who falls at a linemans whisper. Fckn horrible!

  2. 2 nathaniel sandler said at 10:43 am on September 13th, 2011:

    Vince. Your pain reverberates in my soul. I too watched all of those terrible things happening. The secondary looked monkey-in-the-middle-with-your-dog fooled on every play and if this guy Daniel Thomas doesn’t pan out soon we can officially assume that Jeff Ireland has no idea how to draft offensive players.

    We will get through this together.

  3. 3 Vince Herrera said at 12:22 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    Crowder was not the best LB by any means.. Ine thing he was able to do was stop the run.. Obviously they did not fill his position very well.. Smith is a promising CB but we was flat out getting torched last night..

  4. 4 nathaniel sandler said at 1:18 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    Last year we were the 6th ranked defense with effectively the same team. The only opponent to hang anywhere near 40 on us was the Patriots. Hopefully they turn it around and don’t hit the parked Benz on the other side of the street.

  5. 5 Jeff Horowitz said at 5:14 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    Great column, Nate. I feel your pain. Maybe the Dolphins should get rid of Nick Saban’s practice bubble and start training outdoors again. I could not believe how many of our guys cramped up last night! What happened to that September homefield advantage we used to have? All I have to say is Owen Daniels might have 300 yards receiving next weekend…

  6. 6 scott reitherman said at 6:22 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    if its any consolation that is a pretty sweet sketch of you about to catch a Henne in the face.

  7. 7 Mike hoffmam said at 7:56 pm on September 13th, 2011:


  8. 8 Ballen! unlike the dolphins said at 8:13 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    Sweet cartoon sketch but why isn’t there lightning and dolphins breaking through the backdrop? We’ve got to stop playing only 7 people on defense. Who do we think we are? As far as I know, everyone else plays 11.

  9. 9 nathaniel sandler said at 11:27 pm on September 13th, 2011:

    Much love to everyone! Glad it was well received. @Jeff I think the home field advantage is typically moot with the Patriots. I almost brought in the away team crowd noise, but my anger at that might have to be saved for another post.

  10. 10 B.A.C. said at 8:03 am on September 14th, 2011:

    There is nothing irrational about hating the NY Jets.

  11. 11 Vince Herrera said at 8:05 am on September 14th, 2011:

    Beached Miami Dolphins Watch Party.. I feel it coming.. I can grill some mean skirt streak and make some bad ass burgers..

  12. 12 SteveBM said at 12:02 pm on September 14th, 2011:

    You aren’t the only team that has had decades of suckiness. Look at the Bills. They’ve sucked since the early 90s. I’m a Pats fan and I suffered throughout the first 23 years of my life watching my team go from god awful to mediocre to a losing Super Bowl bid against GB, then a few steps backward until Bledsoe went down and everything changed. From 2003 onwards it’s been worth the wait.

    The fact that most Dolfans come away from that game with nothing but negative says it all. Doom and gloom, woe are we. Henne looked fantastic to start the game! He didn’t throw a pick until a last second heave! He overthrew a few open guys but other than that I thought it was a great game for Henne and the passing game. Ok, so Bush didn’t rush for 100 yards. Reality check – Bush is not a feature back. He’s a specialty back, much like Sproles or Woodhead (who I was surprised got so many touches but I guess it was working). He still had 20 touches (11 rush), averaged almost 4yds/carry, and had 9 catches one for a TD (ok, it was garbage time). It’d be one thing if the game result was the same and the opponent was the Seattle Seahawks. The Pats have been a top team in the league for awhile now and a tough opponent for anyone to have week 1 without a lot of film to watch. Dolphins always play them tough and if I were a fan I’d be a little bummed about the loss but more optimistic about the offense and that there are a few improvements to be made (need a feature RB, a little help in the pass rush, and some help in the secondary – can’t believe they cut Will Allen) to get better.

  13. 13 nathaniel sandler said at 12:36 pm on September 14th, 2011:

    Thanks for the note SteveBM. You’re right it’s not the end of the world. But you can’t really like that secondary against Schaub and the rest of the Texans. Edging towards the abyss. Sure Henne looked great but he’s looked great before. I never had faith in Reggie Bush other than a scat back either but there is basically no one else to run the ball. It’s like when someone has severe depression. There is no way out.

    Hard to feel sympathetic about those 23 years at this point. Though if you truly were a die hard fan I salute you. I hope I don’t die (hard) having not seen the Dolphins take one home.

  14. 14 SteveBM said at 1:39 pm on September 14th, 2011:

    Word is that Tashard Choice is being traded from Dallas. I’d have to expect that Miami could be a possible destination…

  15. 15 SteveBM said at 1:40 pm on September 14th, 2011:

    I also hear that Will Allen is back…

  16. 16 nathaniel sandler said at 3:15 pm on September 14th, 2011:

    I would take T. Choice for a 5th rounder. It still blows my mind that they didn’t keep Ricky or Ronnie. Those dudes must have said something cracked about Sparano’s wife’s calzones on the way out the door.

  17. 17 Professor Sam Beebe said at 1:49 am on September 15th, 2011:

    I agree that the drawing of you is very sweet. I agree that the Patriots stomped the Dolphins. I understand that it is hard for you.

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