Damn Dolphins: Week Two

By | September 19th, 2011 | 6 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' Week Two loss to the Texans finds Nathaniel looking around for the team's next coach.

I dragged myself to the stadium for the Dolphins game yesterday, an act of self-punishment tempered by early-season curiosity and an inkling of confidence. The Dolphins were only 0-1. Perhaps last week’s polite dismantlement by the Patriots would get swept under the carpet with a Week Two win. We can contend with the Houston Texans, I thought. We can win! I might as well have been using Kool Aid as deodorant.

After our second missed field goal of under 35 yards, I realized how wrong I was. God this team is unbelievable. They might as well be invading Russia when they get inside the Red Zone.

Rookie Donald Thomas showed some promise running for 107 yards on 18 carries with an average of almost six yards per carry, in the process showing up Reggie Bush, who netted a measly 18 yards on six carries. Then again the momentum of the game completely changed when Thomas fumbled in the third quarter in the middle of a very pretty 10-yard run. Which pretty much sums up our season so far: All too brief moments of celebration quickly dashed upon the reality of “We suck”.

Other main points from the game: quarterback Chad Henne, in spite of his forehead, was below average, the Dolphins defense seems to be much more prone to falling apart than last year, and the Nolan Carroll vs. Andre Johnson matchup had something — something essential — in common with this photograph.

“It’s baffling to me,” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano said after the game. “It really is. I don’t have any answers for it. We’ve got to do a better job.”

Really Tony? Do we have this kind of cluelessness to look forward to all season? You can’t even lie a little? One of the things that absolutely kills me about Sparano is that he hasn’t managed to shore up the Dolphins’ offensive line. When you hire a defensive coach, your defense should get better (see Rex Ryan). When you hire an offensive coach, your offense should improve (see Sean Payton). But Miami hires Sparano, a former offensive line coach, and our offensive line is still nowhere near set, let alone elite. Marc Columbo was basically a skate ramp the whole day, and on fourth and one with the game effectively on the line we decided not to run behind the center we drafted in the first round.

Inevitably this Sparano guy is going to get fired. I really wanted him to succeed but it seems like maybe he’s just not that good. I’m not one of these rabid fans that thinks everyone should get fired but losing 11 out of the last 12 at home is indeed grounds for a pink slip.

Fun game: Which of the Dolphins’ celebrity owners would you most want to see calling the shots? Serena Williams would certainly command respect from our bigs, but I’m going with Fergie because she has the bigger penis.


The Cleveland Browns! I expect the Dolphins to beat this team. If they don’t … well, let’s not get all panicky. This ain’t 2007. Yet.

p.s. Expect every hack sportswriter to drag Lebron James into their Miami vs. Cleveland previews. They will not be funny. They will not be relevant. But they will be.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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6 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Two”

  1. 1 Vince Herrera said at 9:37 am on September 19th, 2011:

    Henne is in the right direction, I like what I see.. Who wouldnt after what we saw last year.. He is by no means a great player but he can be good..

    Marshall: Keep your hands off your wife and on the ball.. Great fckn job

    Thomas: A perfect hit made you fumble. You were a beast! Do it again and again and you may just be a BEAST..

    Bush: Go chase Kim.. You have a better chance getting that then the endzone with your shitty running.. Ask JT for the hook up on Dancing with the stars so.you can go dance over there

  2. 2 nathaniel sandler said at 10:08 am on September 19th, 2011:

    Vince good to see you back this week. You’re not wrong but I’m still not sold on Henne being in the right direction. He played well in a loss last week and played mediocre in a loss this week. Marshall is the beast that we knew he would be and Thomas looked very very promising. As for Bush. Meh. Completely meh.

  3. 3 ari g said at 10:22 am on September 19th, 2011:

    Personally, I would go with Venus. With an autoimmune disorder I think she’s gonna be looking for a desk job soon.

  4. 4 nathaniel sandler said at 10:37 am on September 19th, 2011:

    Ha. Holy shit that’s good.

  5. 5 Roy A said at 1:20 am on September 20th, 2011:

    Henne is abominable, our kicker cannot kick, and Melvin Carroll is the single worst cover corner in the League; he also, by the way, can’t tackle. If only the NBA, rather than the NFL, had resolved its labor dispute….

  6. 6 Mike S said at 3:05 pm on September 21st, 2011:

    Henne is in fact heading in the right direction…I like that he is getting the ball up to Marshall more and taking deep shots as well. Marshall = beast BUT hold on to the ball and score some damn TD’s… lets see some of this beast.

    2nd, to Roy, because I can’t wait until later in this comment… Dan Carpenter single handedly won us half our games last season. A miss and a block, although not ideal, can be forgiven in week 2. Roy, who is your team? Jets or Pats?

    Last, whats the deal with Vontae? He has been MIA in our first 2 games as well as in this blog….

    — these guys need to practice red zone plays all week

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