I dragged myself to the stadium for the Dolphins game yesterday, an act of self-punishment tempered by early-season curiosity and an inkling of confidence. The Dolphins were only 0-1. Perhaps last week’s polite dismantlement by the Patriots would get swept under the carpet with a Week Two win. We can contend with the Houston Texans, I thought. We can win! I might as well have been using Kool Aid as deodorant.
After our second missed field goal of under 35 yards, I realized how wrong I was. God this team is unbelievable. They might as well be invading Russia when they get inside the Red Zone.
Rookie Donald Thomas showed some promise running for 107 yards on 18 carries with an average of almost six yards per carry, in the process showing up Reggie Bush, who netted a measly 18 yards on six carries. Then again the momentum of the game completely changed when Thomas fumbled in the third quarter in the middle of a very pretty 10-yard run. Which pretty much sums up our season so far: All too brief moments of celebration quickly dashed upon the reality of “We suck”.
Other main points from the game: quarterback Chad Henne, in spite of his forehead, was below average, the Dolphins defense seems to be much more prone to falling apart than last year, and the Nolan Carroll vs. Andre Johnson matchup had something — something essential — in common with this photograph.
“It’s baffling to me,” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano said after the game. “It really is. I don’t have any answers for it. We’ve got to do a better job.”
Really Tony? Do we have this kind of cluelessness to look forward to all season? You can’t even lie a little? One of the things that absolutely kills me about Sparano is that he hasn’t managed to shore up the Dolphins’ offensive line. When you hire a defensive coach, your defense should get better (see Rex Ryan). When you hire an offensive coach, your offense should improve (see Sean Payton). But Miami hires Sparano, a former offensive line coach, and our offensive line is still nowhere near set, let alone elite. Marc Columbo was basically a skate ramp the whole day, and on fourth and one with the game effectively on the line we decided not to run behind the center we drafted in the first round.
Inevitably this Sparano guy is going to get fired. I really wanted him to succeed but it seems like maybe he’s just not that good. I’m not one of these rabid fans that thinks everyone should get fired but losing 11 out of the last 12 at home is indeed grounds for a pink slip.
Fun game: Which of the Dolphins’ celebrity owners would you most want to see calling the shots? Serena Williams would certainly command respect from our bigs, but I’m going with Fergie because she has the bigger penis.
The Cleveland Browns! I expect the Dolphins to beat this team. If they don’t … well, let’s not get all panicky. This ain’t 2007. Yet.
p.s. Expect every hack sportswriter to drag Lebron James into their Miami vs. Cleveland previews. They will not be funny. They will not be relevant. But they will be.