Damn Dolphins: Week Three

By | September 26th, 2011 | 10 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' late-game loss to the Browns in Week Three robs Nathaniel of needed nourishment.

I can’t believe the Dolphins lost to the Cleveland Browns. I took notes the whole time in gleeful handwriting. I was going to mock the City of Cleveland for its lack of Lebron James. I was going to praise Chad Henne’s forehead for its droopy poise. I was going to stand tall for at least one beautiful moment as the happiness of victory on the football field released nutrients of joy throughout my starved body. Then they ripped out my heart and threw an interception with it.

The Dolphins laid a whale-shark egg in Cleveland. The offense was boring and the defense pissed its pajamas when it mattered most. It made me cringe to see Tony Sparano fist-pumping the 38-yard field goal that gave us a flimsy 16-10 lead late in the fourth. We get it, Tony. You love field goals. Now fix this team before you and your staff end up floating face down in that quiet little cove in Taiji. Speaking of dolphin sacrifice …

Lord, the penalties! The Dolphins had 10 penalties for 93 yards. This team gets sanctioned more than North Korea. After a botched goal-line play, we settled for yet another field goal and Brandon Marshall’s frustrations surfaced in the form of a 15-yard penalty for shoving a Browns defensive back. At oh-and-three, we can expect a lot more surfacing frustration, especially from Marshall, whose antics are now annoyingly un-PC to mock in light of his recently announced struggles with borderline personality disorder. Speaking of frustration …

The game also featured another missed field goal by Dan Carpenter, who is quickly transforming himself from Repeat 2010 Special Teamer of the Week to Guy Whose Foot I Want To Punch. It must make Sparano particularly angry to see Carpenter botch one of his precious field goals. We know how he loves to celebrate those.

For a game that came down to the wire, the whole spectacle was actually pretty boring to watch. There was very little momentum or even offense, though the Dolphins ostensibly dominated the game until the Brown’s last drive, which ended with quarterback Colt McCoy connecting with Mohamed Massaquoi for the game-winning touchdown. This drive shouldn’t even have happened. The Dolphins gave the Browns a chance to win the game when they didn’t deserve it.

In the post-game interviews, Coach Sparano said, “They have to believe we’re going to win” and Henne also mentioned that, “It starts with believing you can win”. I smell a confidence issue in the locker room. Both coach and quarterback are not even sure they can believe they can win. This team is fucked. Speaking of …


The San Diego Chargers, in San Diego. When a team travels a couple thousand miles across the country and multiple time zones, they usually lose. If the Dolphins lose this game, it will probably be Sparano’s last, meaning the Week Five bye may well be a bye-bye.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

10 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Three”

  1. 1 Vince Herrera said at 12:44 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    Usually I have something to say.. This time… Fuckn Dolphins will do…

    Oh.. D Thomas is almmost a beast in my book.. Kids 2nd effort is bad ass!

  2. 2 SteveBM said at 1:08 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    You’re right – Sparano doesn’t know how to coach offense and is way too satisfied with field goals. After watching Thomas last week, I picked him up in my fantasy league, breaking my rule of not having dolphin player on my team. The kid had another great game and averaged nearly 4ypc. You would think that with 1st and goal on the 7yd line that Sparano would take this RB and run him at least twice. Nope, they threw 3 fucking times. The D was awful too…but I’d still probably take them over the Pats D at this point.

  3. 3 Scott "Reitherman" Sparano said at 2:17 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    “This team gets more sanctioned than North Korea.”. my favorite. But seriously, lay off my dad. Anyone who is smart about sports will tell you that a field goal will get you some points.

  4. 4 nathaniel sandler said at 3:33 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    Too right fellas. Didn’t take too for this ship to founder. There wasn’t even a bandwagon this year. At least last year we could be excited for a minute.

    Now the despair begins. Woe is we! The Dolphins are here!

  5. 5 P. Scott said at 4:47 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    I’m excited to see how bad we can suck. With twice as much as talent as the 1-15 team, can we surpass their ineptitude and go 0-16? O, the drama!

  6. 6 BillyDkid Rivera said at 6:58 pm on September 26th, 2011:

    Glad I slept until 4 pm that day and missed the whole nightmare.

  7. 7 scott "reithermutt" sparano said at 1:15 am on September 27th, 2011:

    hey lay off my dad. guys who are smart about sports know that field goals get you some points.

  8. 8 SteveBM said at 9:54 am on September 27th, 2011:

    Hey, you gotta like the play of Thomas though. Seems like he is a legit RB.

  9. 9 Lonny Levy said at 12:50 pm on September 27th, 2011:

    At least we are the front runners for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes

  10. 10 nathaniel sandler said at 2:00 pm on September 27th, 2011:

    There’s no way we tank far enough to get Luck, unless they make a mid-season coaching change that proves even more disastrous than Sparano. My guess would be the go-to is Nolan and if there’s anything that typified his reign in San Francisco it was mediocrity.

    Thomas being as effective as he has been is very promising.

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