Damn Dolphins: Week Four

By | October 3rd, 2011 | 6 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' 0-4 start has Nathaniel eyeing the 2012 draft.

Sweet Christ. The Miami Dolphins are as ugly and useless as a sixth toe at this point. The San Diego Chargers casually dismantled us, leaving our starting quarterback with an unnamed shoulder injury as we head into the bye tail-spinning like a drunken pilot in a Moldovan Air Show. As for Tony Sparano, he looked like he was interviewing for a coordinator position when he walked across the field to congratulate Norv Turner after the game.

Let’s face it, when Chad Henne went down in the first quarter with a busted shoulder the season went with him. Backup Matt Moore was passable (bah!), completing 17 out of 26 tosses for 167 yards with an interception. But we all know the Dolphins aren’t going anywhere with Moore at the helm of this sinking garbage barge.

At 0-4, a hole only one team in NFL history — the Chargers! — has emerged from to make the playoffs, we can almost certainly rule out postseason play. On the dubiously bright side, I’m not sure we’re bad enough to assure ourselves first pick in the 2012 draft, which means we may miss out on Stanford stud Andrew Luck, who analysts are calling the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. It’s probably for the best though. Knowing general manager Jeff Ireland’s scouting skills, we would probably have passed on Luck with the first pick in favor of a defensive lineman with sleep apnea.

Speaking of short breath, will Tony Sparano survive to coach against the Jets on Oct. 17? My gut says yes. The Dolphins gave him a three-million-dollar extension over the summer. Money talks and, one must admit, Sparano is making meaningful changes. At Sunday’s game, for instance, he had a goatee instead of a mustache.

Regardless, handing over the team to defensive coordinator Mike Nolan would require ignoring how Phillip Rivers and the Chargers made the Dolphins D look like drunk zombies with bruising to the medulla oblongata on Sunday. Case in point: Rivers’ 55-yard bomb to Vincent Jackson in the first quarter, during which our secondary seemed to be frozen in a classic Zack Morris timeout while Jackson somersaulted into the end zone.

A last note about the game: At one point, the PA announcer in San Diego called Reggie Bush “Reggie Jackson” over the loudspeaker. I for one am offended. Bush’s 13 carries for 50 yards, a flimsy improvement over the previous three games, hardly warrant a “Mr. October” comparison.


A Bye! We don’t have to play! We can’t lose! After the bye we have an away game against the hated New York Jets. I predict a Dolphins loss in which they only score 16 points and I scream “sack of shit” at the television no less than four times. Rex Ryan is fat.

6 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Four”

  1. 1 SteveBM said at 8:54 am on October 3rd, 2011:

    Sparano is gaaaan.

  2. 2 nathaniel sandler said at 10:03 am on October 3rd, 2011:

    Steve. They canceled his press conference today. You might be right.

  3. 3 Lauren said at 3:55 pm on October 3rd, 2011:

    Suck for luck, anyone?

  4. 4 Kevin said at 5:41 pm on October 3rd, 2011:

    Nasty Nate,

    Your lofty prose and general miserableness provides a nice view into what life is like as a phins fan (though most fins fans generally get more ass than you). What an awful team to follow.

    Every year as the draft and FA comes up, there are like 5 common sense move that the fans and local papers are cheering for, and every year, they do the exact opposite, showing off how incredibly brilliant they are. And every year, those moves suck. Reggie Bush is an everydown back. Fuck Bryant McKinnie, lets get Marco Colombo. What can Hasselback do that Henne cant? Dez Bryant’s mom is a prostitute.

    Im sure Stephen Ross, Ireland, Gloria Estefan, Serena Williams and Enrique Iglesias are all going to be huddled in a conference room this week trying to sort this out. Perhaps they can have T Pain write a new song to liven the crowd up? That should be good for another 4 wins right?

    Its unreal. What a thoroughly depressing team.

  5. 5 Vince herrera said at 7:57 am on October 5th, 2011:

    Well well what can I say this week. I say the management all the way down to sporano and his team of coaches are a bunch of shitfaces. Good defense was destroyed over the off season.. our tackling is tackling I have ever seen. Horrible offense still anchored by a subpar qb.. At this point let a miami high school football coach take over the team..

  6. 6 nathaniel sandler said at 12:30 pm on October 5th, 2011:

    It’s brutal out there. Looks like Henne is done for the season. We really could end up the worst in the league for the second time in 5 years. That’s saying something.

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