Sweet Christ. The Miami Dolphins are as ugly and useless as a sixth toe at this point. The San Diego Chargers casually dismantled us, leaving our starting quarterback with an unnamed shoulder injury as we head into the bye tail-spinning like a drunken pilot in a Moldovan Air Show. As for Tony Sparano, he looked like he was interviewing for a coordinator position when he walked across the field to congratulate Norv Turner after the game.
Let’s face it, when Chad Henne went down in the first quarter with a busted shoulder the season went with him. Backup Matt Moore was passable (bah!), completing 17 out of 26 tosses for 167 yards with an interception. But we all know the Dolphins aren’t going anywhere with Moore at the helm of this sinking garbage barge.
At 0-4, a hole only one team in NFL history — the Chargers! — has emerged from to make the playoffs, we can almost certainly rule out postseason play. On the dubiously bright side, I’m not sure we’re bad enough to assure ourselves first pick in the 2012 draft, which means we may miss out on Stanford stud Andrew Luck, who analysts are calling the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. It’s probably for the best though. Knowing general manager Jeff Ireland’s scouting skills, we would probably have passed on Luck with the first pick in favor of a defensive lineman with sleep apnea.
Speaking of short breath, will Tony Sparano survive to coach against the Jets on Oct. 17? My gut says yes. The Dolphins gave him a three-million-dollar extension over the summer. Money talks and, one must admit, Sparano is making meaningful changes. At Sunday’s game, for instance, he had a goatee instead of a mustache.
Regardless, handing over the team to defensive coordinator Mike Nolan would require ignoring how Phillip Rivers and the Chargers made the Dolphins D look like drunk zombies with bruising to the medulla oblongata on Sunday. Case in point: Rivers’ 55-yard bomb to Vincent Jackson in the first quarter, during which our secondary seemed to be frozen in a classic Zack Morris timeout while Jackson somersaulted into the end zone.
A last note about the game: At one point, the PA announcer in San Diego called Reggie Bush “Reggie Jackson” over the loudspeaker. I for one am offended. Bush’s 13 carries for 50 yards, a flimsy improvement over the previous three games, hardly warrant a “Mr. October” comparison.
A Bye! We don’t have to play! We can’t lose! After the bye we have an away game against the hated New York Jets. I predict a Dolphins loss in which they only score 16 points and I scream “sack of shit” at the television no less than four times. Rex Ryan is fat.