In April of 2010, esteemed physicist Stephen Hawking made an ominous prognostication: “If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn’t turn out well for the Native Americans. We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet.”
Coming from one of the world’s great geniuses, the warning made international headlines. It also grabbed the attention of Central Intelligence Agency Director Leon Panetta, who personally contacted Beached Miami’s own Robby Campbell. Robby, we cautiously divulge today, is well-regarded in national security circles for his uncanny ability to render imminent global threats in the form of animated ditties. “What we need,” said Panetta, his normally sober voice taut with anxiety, “is to visualize this threat, this … crazy alien Christopher Columbus before it finds us first.”
Robby had his marching orders, and he delivered. “God save us,” Panetta whispered upon first seeing the images in the video. In fact, he found the footage so disturbing that he had it classified as top secret. “If the world were to see this … ” he said, without finishing his sentence.
Today, a day before Columbus Day, the world will see it. The time has come. The threat is nigh. Can you prepare yourself for the impending visitation of Crazy Alien Christopher Columbus? No. No way. But you at least deserve to know why the price of hummus is on the rise.