Damn Dolphins: Week Six

By | October 18th, 2011 | 6 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' 0-4 start has Nathaniel eyeing the 2012 draft.

One good thing about loving the Dolphins is hating the Jets, especially when they make it easy, as the current roster certainly does: Coach Rex Ryan has a loud mouth and a secret foot fetish; QB Mark Sanchez has a rape case in his background; and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has nine kids from eight women in six states. These are despicable reprobates, and I shall hate the team that pays them every Sunday forever.

The Dolphins-Jets match-up on Monday Night Football was an atrocity. The Dolphins’ opening drive was classic Tony Sparano. Reggie Bush finally broke one loose. Brandon Marshall forearm fucked Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis in an exciting play. Then they made an inconceivably blind pass attempt on third down and inches towards the same Darrelle Revis, who, they seem to have forgotten, is the best cover cornerback in the league. The game plan seemed to be to continue to throw at this man. I’d like the moxie if, in this case, the moxie wasn’t moronic. Sure enough on the Dolphins’ next drive, Revis picked one off and ran it back for a TD for what seemed like two hours. Moxie. Morons.

The now 0-5 Dolphins never turned it around. Or got it started. The Jets decided to start playing shortly before halftime and never looked back on their way to snapping their own three-game losing streak with a 24-6 victory over our hapless squad.

After the game, wide (un)receiver Brandon Marshall told the media, “This is embarrassing. We have way too many players in our locker room to be sitting at 0-5. Hopefully, things can get turned around. We’ll see what happens.” I don’t who Marshall is talking about when he says “too many players”. If one thing was clear during the MNF game, it was that the Dolphins have no stars whatsoever. It’s like a talent show in Greenland.

A few observations:

— Backup quarterback turned sacrificial goat Matt Moore clearly can’t see the whole field. Which may be fine because he knows no one will actually catch the ball.

— Left tackle Jake Long flipped Jets Lineman Aaron Maybin the bird at some point during the first half. Good execution of message. Definitely inappropriate. Should have done it to his own sideline like A.J. Hawk did Sunday.

— Brandon Marshall fell out of bounds with a wide open touchdown in front of him then used his snow shovel hands on the same drive to drop his fifth TD of the season.

— The Miami Herald recently reported a shocking headline: “Miami Dolphins’ Stephen Ross wants franchise QB, superstar coach to cure team’s ills”. Really Stephen? You want what every team in the NFL wants? I can’t believe this man is a billionaire.

— The Monday Night Football producers opened last night’s game with a puke-worthy montage of Jets superfan Fireman Ed, who, the internet tells me, was a Dolphins fan until he turned 10 years old. I hate this man.

— #occupyjoerobbie

NEXT WEEK

The Denver Broncos, a dogshit team we could easily lose to. At home! This game has been raising local sportswriters’ crusty eyebrows because the Dolphins front office has decided to honor the non-local Florida Gators before the game. Former Gator QB and current Bible tosser Tim Tebow is now the starting quarterback of the Broncos. So, in true bumbledick form, the Miami Dolphins will be honoring the opposing quarterback before the game. It’s a move calculated to sell tickets. To the fans of the opposing team’s starting quarterback. Way to be in touch with your desperately downtrodden fan base.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.


6 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Six”

  1. 1 scott "reithermutt" sparano said at 12:30 pm on October 18th, 2011:

    hahaaa talent show in greenland. ohh…sigh..

    i hope some guy runs into brandon marshall this week and poses the question “hey bro, what’s your deal??”

  2. 2 SteveBM said at 1:06 pm on October 18th, 2011:

    Maybe the Dollfans will enshrine a Tebow jersey in their stadium like the Heat did with the MJ jersey that hangs at AAA Arena for some dumbass reason?

  3. 3 Jordan Melnick said at 1:23 pm on October 18th, 2011:

    I agree with Max Kellerman (former Around The Horn host): They should retire the number 23 from mathematics.

  4. 4 B Whack Attack said at 5:25 pm on October 18th, 2011:

    As always a half empty type of guy you are. Last night’s hidden success is the tremendous marketing opportunity, catering a crowd of joy ridden New Yorkers looking to buy bottles, fist pump, and contract a STD. Where better to do that than the Hard Rock South, site of where the former Miami Dolphins used to play, until the franchise was sold to Quebec.

  5. 5 Mike said at 9:31 pm on October 18th, 2011:

    Not for anything but during the game there was a Carl’s Jr commercial…isn’t that a West Coast establishment. ( you see I gave up on the dolphins awhile back and watch commercials for pure joy).

  6. 6 nathaniel sandler said at 10:56 am on October 19th, 2011:

    I had initially hoped that the comments here could become a place of jokes as well as sadness. It seems 6 weeks in we’re almost done with the sadness. Keep the hilarity coming fellow Dolphins fans. We will need it. Oh yes we will.


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