Damn Dolphins: Week Seven

By | October 23rd, 2011 | 6 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' late-game collapse against the Denver Broncos in Week Seven has Nathaniel prophesying a rolling head.

Anyone else out there shit pure hot sauce after watching the Miami Dolphins blow a 15-point fourth quarter lead against the Denver Broncos?

God, after that enraging spectacle of terrible, we can officially put the fan base on injured reserve for the season. In fact, some fans are cheering for the Dolphins to lose all the way out to maximize their chances of snagging Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first overall pick of the draft. Others want Coach Tony Sparano and General Manager Jeff Ireland gone. I’m still getting over the fact that I sat and watched that spindly hyena pube of a football game all the way to its pitiful split end.

Week Seven’s matchup against the Denver Broncos was basically an unwatchable avant-garde experimental film for the first three and a half quarters. You have to wonder if Sparano studied under Jonas Mekas as he leads his bum-dick team around and occasionally pukes up a field goal as the fans get bored and confused. Even with a 15-0 lead in the fourth there was a creeping sense of terror. Cinematic.

And then the Dolphins collapsed. Oh man, did they collapse. It was like watching a drunk on stilts play a game of Jenga on the Titanic. We were up 15 to zero with less than three minutes left. The play of full-time cherub, part-time quarterback Tim Tebow was so bad, the announcers spent the better part of four quarters questioning his ability to play NFL football. And then he threw two touchdown passes and scrambled for a two-point conversion to tie the game with seconds left.

In overtime, Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore’s small hands fumbled away the final ball on a D.J. Williams strip sack. Sitting pretty at our 36 yard-line, the Broncos eventually booted a field goal to win the game.

Now Saint Tebow’s acolytes would probably call the turnaround divine intervention. But, of course, that’s bullshit. God doesn’t need to intervene to make the Dolphins lose. They sacrifice themselves. Against the Broncos, they did so by deciding not to rush for the last three minutes of the game, i.e., they decided to do the only thing that would let Tebow find his footing. In church, they call that penitence. After nine straight losses dating back to last season, I call it immaculate stupidity.

It hurts to recall, but I must remind you that the Dolphins front office decided to honor Tebow’s 2008 Florida Gators during half time on Sunday. That’s right. We honored an out-of-town college team whose star player was the Dolphin’s opponent’s starting quarterback. The goal was to draw local Gators fans to the game in lieu of the ‘Fins fans who couldn’t stomach another revolting performance in person. So we had to listen to Tebow be cheered as he mounted his comeback. Infuriating.

The Dolphins went 10 quarters without a touchdown until Moore found tight-end Anthony Fasano early in the fourth for what should have been the game-winning score. Ten quarters without reaching the end zone is pathetic. This team couldn’t finish a game of Checkers. And of course they couldn’t finish the game against the Broncos to avoid falling to 0-6.

On the sideline at the end of the game Dolphins owner Stephen Ross sat talking to former University of Florida head coach Urban Meyer. Seeing him there flirting with another high-profile college football coach, you can tell Ross has no idea he is the NFL posterboy for inept owner meddling. Here’s an idea: Instead of the “Suck for Luck!” strategy, how about “Hearing Loss for Ross!” Hear me out, my brothers in agony. The source of our heartache is this Mr. Magoo motherfucker. If old man Ross’s deafness were complete, then maybe he would pass on responsibilities to someone more capable. Eh?

Slim chance we’ll see Ross gone anytime soon, but it wouldn’t surprise (or upset) me to see Sparano fired this week. With 17 seconds left and a chance win the game in regulation, he called for a knee to run the clock out. It was the epitome of giving up. He deserves the same from his employers.

NEXT WEEK

The New York Giants! Who fucking cares at this point! Is there any way this team can put it together? No.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.


6 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Seven”

  1. 1 Vince Herrera said at 9:05 am on October 24th, 2011:

    I watched the game and fearing the clock was not ticking fast enough.. 30 seconds is enough times to get the dolphins to hang themselves.. Its a nightmare and I really feel bad for them..

    We all know what needs to happen.. We have know for years.. The management is a complete joke and we are a scrimmage team to every nfl team.. The dolphins real income is selling game footage to colleges in a dvd called “What you should never do in the NFL”

  2. 2 P. Scott said at 9:26 am on October 24th, 2011:

    I can’t think of another owner who would insult the fanbase by honoring the opposing team’s quarterback at halftime…except maybe Jeffrey Loria. Boycott all fish teams. Money’s the only thing they care about so let’s help them lose a ton of it.

  3. 3 nick said at 10:37 am on October 24th, 2011:

    They should honor LT at halftime with deathmatch between him and one of the thousands of retired WWF & WWE wrestlers that call Florida their own. Maybe Randy Savage? I would pay a few bucks to see that.

  4. 4 nathaniel sandler said at 5:49 pm on October 24th, 2011:

    Boycotts don’t work when you’re obsessive and like to drink on Sundays.

  5. 5 nathaniel sandler said at 5:50 pm on October 24th, 2011:

    Also, feeling bad for the team, while somewhat unavoidable is really only self destructive. You didn’t create this strangely colored turd. But you have to watch it.

  6. 6 nathaniel sandler said at 5:51 pm on October 24th, 2011:

    And Nick. While I think what you’re saying is awesome I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Are we wrestling? Who?


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