I considered dressing up as a downtrodden Dolphins fan for a Halloween party Saturday night. The team T-shirt and a paper bag over my head would have been easy enough. But then I realized it was a boring costume, and that the team is boring to watch, and I was just bored angry by the whole season, and I decided to epitomize the concept of boredom by staying in and cross-checking my insurance coverages. You know who didn’t stay in and check the New York Giants coverages? The Dolphins coaching staff.
Don’t get me wrong. This Dolphins team is a bottomless chasm of Halloween costume inspiration. Don’t be surprised if you open your door tonight and find a Bludgeoned Tony Sparano or a Brandon Marshall With Amputated Hands or a Lobotomized Jeff Ireland With Shit For Brains sticking his hand out for a Snickers bar. The most fitting get-up, though, would probably be a zombie in full pads since that’s what every player on this nightmare of a team plays like week after week.
Feel free to chime in with your own idea for a Dolphins-themed Halloween costume, particularly if you’re planning on wearing it tonight. There are so many different ways you can ridicule this team, and the only joy of following along this season is being able to laugh at just how truly awful they are.
The Dolphins secondary is like a game of Guess Who? Jimmy Wilson? Who? I halfway expect them to all have balding heads and glasses. It seemed like at any moment the Giants could have decided to throw the ball down field more often and completely rip our defense apart. Eventually they did, and Victor Cruz’s 25-yard touchdown pass from Giants quarterback Eli Manning sealed the Dolphins Week Eight fate in a dark and musty tomb down in the darkest corners of the NFL catacombs.
For the second consecutive week and the third time this season the Dolphins had the lead in the fourth quarter and lost the game. Quarterback Matt Moore continues to be capable but is still not the answer — unless the question is, “Who is your second string quarterback that you hope never has to start?” He had his moments against the Giants, but the two sacks he suffered at the end of the game all but forced him to throw an interception on 3rd and 30. The turnover ensured the loss, our tenth in a row dating back to last season.
“This team has a lot of guts and a lot of courage,” Sparano said in his post-game conference, despite the fact that the Dolphins managed only 25 yards of offense in the final 27 minutes of the game. “If my team plays like that we’re going to win games, OK?”
WHEN TONY? WHEN? Not OK.
The Kansas City Chiefs! Given the fact that the Dolphins were reasonably competitive this week, it’s possible that they could go into Arrowhead Stadium and steal one from the marginal Chiefs. But, until they do otherwise, it seems more likely that the Dolphins will get an early lead, look capable, and then fall apart en route to another loss. It’s the script for this scary story of a season.