Damn Dolphins: Week Nine

By | November 7th, 2011 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' first win of the season has Nathaniel slightly less frustrated than the team's previous eight losses.

WE WOOOOOOOOOONNNN! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! Wait. Is that even a good thing? Some people are happy the Dolphins were finally able to plug the crack house bathtub drain, at least for a week, with their 31-3 walloping of the Kansas City Chiefs. Other fans openly lament the victory, our first this season, because it lessens our chance of drafting Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first pick in next year’s draft. Despite a flawless three-touchdown performance by quarterback Matt Moore and impressive showings from both running back Reggie Bush (92 yards rushing, 50 yards receiving, one touchdown) and wide receiver Brandon Marshall (106 yards receiving, one touchdown), Fins Nation seems unsure if celebration or lamentation is in order. We Dolphins fans are a miserable breed.

I have mostly avoided joining the “Suck for Luck” chants myself because I know it’s not worth emotionally investing in a player that isn’t on our team. The mindfuck of being a Dolphins fan for the last 10 years has been buying into the vague possibility that the team is going to be good, for this or that reason, only to suffer through one losing season after another. Now everyone is looking to Andrew Luck, a kid who currently calls the other side of the effing country home, as the franchise’s savior. Not me. It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve finally wised up.

That said, WE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! It is a relief. The last vestige of pride — justifiable pride — Dolphins fans have is the 1972 championship team’s 17-0 record. You don’t want to have both an undefeated season and a winless season in one team’s history. It would be like having V-J Day and the Fall of Saigon in one country’s — nevermind.

The Dolphins prevailed on Sunday and in convincing fashion against a division-leading Kansas City team that made the playoffs last year. It was good to see Brandon Marshall finally catch a touchdown pass, his 14-yard, third-quarter grab, instead of dropping a touchdown pass, which, judging by the Dolphins’ first eight games, is what he thought a wide receiver is supposed to do. Our defense also deserve a pat on their beleaguered backs, with the pass rush particularly showing signs of life.

And so we have the 2011 Miami Dolphins, a team that people are kinda mad at for winning a game. The insanity of that statement is not lost on me. Despite the win, I hate this stupid team. Without a coach, GM, or starting quarterback to have faith in, we will most likely remain irrelevant in the NFL for at least another five years. Which is precisely why we shouldn’t put Sunday’s game in context. Better to celebrate it as its own small achievement, as Coach Sparano suggested after the game. “We’re going to enjoy this plane ride home,” he said. “I might play hostess on the plane ride, or whatever the heck that is.”

Right on, Tony. You play hostess, or whatever the heck that is. Get your rocks off however you like until next week.


The Washington Redskins! The Redskins look terrible every week and the Dolphins have looked decent the last couple of weeks, their losses notwithstanding, so I predict a victory for the Fins in this one. I guess that will deepen the “Suck For Luck” contingent’s self-pity since a win against the Redskins would further diminish our chances of snagging the Standford QB in next year’s draft/increase the likelihood that we draft an SEC defensive back who will get injured five games into the season. Damn Dolphins. Even your success feels like failure.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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