Damn Dolphins: Week Ten

By | November 13th, 2011 | 2 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' win against the Washington Redskins has Nathaniel in an optimistic mood. Make that pessimistic.

Man, the 2011-2012 Miami Dolphins are boring. Even in their 20-9 victory against the crap-stank Washington Redskins — their first home win in nearly a year — they lost my interest. I actually dozed off in the middle of the third quarter.

Matt Moore’s name is boring. Read his stat line (20 for 29 with 207 yards and an interception) if you can’t fall asleep tonight. Knowing Dolphin fans, we’ll be justifying this unleaded-pencil dick as the future of our franchise before long. Once a sucker, always a sucker …

On Sunday the Dolphins proved that they are not the dive-bar toilet algae we thought they were. It seems that Coach Tony Sparano has regained control of the locker room and could at this point hold on to his job through the end of this non season. I figure we win another couple of games. Maybe one of them will make me happy.

This season has become the senile grandparent to whom decorum demands we pay at least some attention. It needs to be fed and diapered, but meanwhile we’re eying the next generation, or, in this case, next season. Each win puts us in a worse position to draft even the secondary stud quarterbacks like Oklahoma’s Landry Jones and Matt Barkley of University of Southern California. I’m pulling for Landry Jones only because I hate everything from USC.

Speaking of Reggie Bush, the Dolphins’ ramped-up effort to get him the ball feels a bit like forced justification for their one big off-season acquisition. Nonetheless, Bush produced nicely on Sunday with two pretty touchdown runs. But his performance against the Redskins will be a distant memory next year when he gets a non-contact injury two games into the season.

Linebacker Karlos Dansby got the game ball for setting up the game-sealing touchdown drive with an interception. After the game, he told the media he was the best middle linebacker in the league, which shows admirable humility but seems a bit like one of General Custer’s soldiers declaring himself the best musket shot in the Union. This team sucks vulture neck.


The Buffalo Bills! Our hated division rival and frozen bison turds! Tony Sparano’s record at home and against decent teams is abysmal, so I’m predicting we lose in a close one, especially considering the Bills lost 44-7 to the Cowboys on Sunday and will be zombie-thirsty for the heart-healthy-yet-flavorless-salt-substitute-laced blood of Matt Moore.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

2 Comments on “Damn Dolphins: Week Ten”

  1. 1 County said at 7:01 am on November 14th, 2011:

    This might be your best (angriest, saddest) article yet. I was worried how you would react (perform) if the Dolphins strung together a few wins, but you have performed like a true sad angry champion of losers.

  2. 2 nathaniel sandler said at 4:22 pm on November 14th, 2011:

    Ha. It’s hard not to be angry. The emotional confusion of not really understanding if you enjoy when your team wins is outright awful. I remember in 2007 every week I wanted them to win. This year it’s a cavalcade of mixed thoughts and alcohol.

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