Well, the Miami Dolphins look impeccable. I can’t fucking believe this. Where the hell was this world-beating defense and flawless offensive execution for the first seven weeks of the season? Oh, that’s right. It was lodged securely up injured former starting quarterback Chad Henne’s bleached asshole. Some players in the Dolphins locker room predicted they would win out their schedule and end 9-7 with a playoff berth. With an utterly decisive 35-8 win over early-season NFL darlings the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, they are perhaps are on their way to fulfilling that insane prediction. If they win out the season, I’ll eat my TV remote. After shoving it up Chad Henne’s ass.
The Dolphins are finally playing with a ton of heart. I guess all it takes to raise the spirit of a football team to new and amazing heights is to lose seven consecutive games in embarrassing fashion and almost eliminate your playoff chances. It makes sense — there’s no pressure.
Nonetheless, the unsalted porridge inside Matt Moore, who threw three touchdowns and no interceptions on Sunday, seems to have rejuvenated the locker room. And because that guy is still as boring as an unfrosted Pop Tart, he only threw for 160 yards. Wide receiver Brandon Marshall had just one grab, for a measly five yards, but the rest of the offense seemed to be clicking on all cylinders. Running back Reggie Bush and tight end Tony Fasano both had another score this week. It was also exciting to see the ongoing development of new fan favorite fullback/h-back/tight-end/reliable-swiss-army-utility-belt/underdog Charles Clay. Management loves a guy like Clay because he can do a variety of things well and, since he doesn’t do any one of them like a superstar, they can pay him in potato sticks.
The last three weeks defensive coordinator Mike Nolan’s squad has been playing like a thumb war sneak attack. They have held the last three teams to zero touchdowns, which is a pretty damn impressive streak. At a certain point in the third quarter the Bills kept fumbling in the rain, and any time they made forward progress the Dolphins hit them on some third-world bazooka-type shit. Helmets were flying, opponents were getting carted off, the 17 fans that were still at Sun Life Stadium were blowing their drunken lids. It was honestly the first time since the first snap of the season I got excited about this possibly schizophrenic team.
So the Miami Dolphins, fans and players alike, are at a watershed moment in the 2011 season. They’re playing their way out of a top 10 pick, sure, but I can’t help but think that they’d be a shoe-in for the playoffs had they won a couple of the close games earlier in the season (Browns, Broncos, Giants). Instead we’re in a sidebar conversation about “playing spoiler”. Well, at least we’re in a conversation.
The Dallas Cowboys! On Thanksgiving! (I know what you’re thinking: “That’s not next week — that’s this week.” Wrong. The week begins with an NFL football game, whether it’s Sunday or Thursday. Also, shut up.) Expect a couple of flaccid turkey neck jokes here and for the Dolphins to come crashing down to earth like some NASA-funded space junk. Playing on primetime TV in Dallas on a short week seems like a recipe for candied Dolphin yams. May we all give thanks for the stay of execution in Tony Sparano’s favor.