Well, you can’t beat your fate. The fate of the 2011 Miami Dolphins is to look good all the way through and not finish. It’s getting to the point where I have to wonder aloud if Coach Sparano has them practicing with blue footballs. The 20-19 loss to the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving was the first time in a long time I was really rooting for them to pull off a win and, of course, they caved. They deserve no Thanksgiving leftovers.
The halftime show deserves a mention considering it was a hilarious hodgepodge of scripted 305-inspired crap. Pitbull is the man and all, but he’s turning into a tropical nightclub cartoon character. And I’d like Enrique Iglesias to sleep with my sister so I can try out my David Carradine-inspired Five Point Exploding Scrotum Technique on him. I don’t have a sister and that halftime show was birdshit.
The defense looked great again but couldn’t get a stop on the last drive of the game. Brandon Marshall had a fantastic game including a 35 yard touchdown catch in which he was basically polar bear-mauled by a Cowboys defensive back. Matt Moore went 19 of 32 with 288 yards, no picks, one TD pass. I know I harp on this too much, but I really can’t get over how fucking boring this guy is. He’s the NFL equivalent of waiting in line, drinking water with a lemon slice, and making small talk with a coworker all at the same time. I think this guy needs a nickname. Misisionary Matt — because you know reverse cowgirl is just not in this guy’s rotation at all.
I still like the defense. Both cornerbacks, Vontae Davis and Sean Smith, had impressive interceptions and the rest of the squad was relentless getting after Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo even though they only recorded one sack. I think if there’s anything to be excited about right now (aside from turkey legs in the fridge) is that the defense is solid and can play at a high level.
Even if you want the Miami Dolphins to lose for a better draft pick, losing by one with no time on the clock still stings like a queen bee with herpes. In my last column, I promised I would eat my TV remote after it had violated the anal sanctity of Chad Henne if the Dolphins won out the season. So I guess I’m happy I don’t have to hold myself to that absurd promise. I can definitely give thanks for that.
The Oakland Raiders! We are terrible! The Raiders are a good team coming to Miami, so I am going to predict another embarrassing fourth quarter blown lead that results in a debilitating loss. Also, the game is on the tail end of Art Basel Miami Beach, which means I will be hungover and hating life even more than usual. Stay drunk and fed on the couch, fair readers. Happy belated Thanksgiving.