Damn Dolphins: Week Thirteen

By | December 5th, 2011 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

After a dominating Dolphins victory, Nathaniel struggles to understand his emotions.

The Miami Dolphins dismantled the Oakland Raiders with the furious cruelty of Vlad the Impaler in Sunday’s 34-14 victory. Watching your team crush its opponent usually feels good. Great! But, win or lose, this season’s Dolphins always leave me in a post-game confusion. No matter what what just happened, I never know how I should feel.

On Sunday Missionary Matt Moore reinforced his brand of winning with boring precision: 13 of 25 for 162 yards and one touchdown. If I were any good at Photoshop, I would create an image of Moore sitting in traffic, listening to smooth jazz while on the phone with his insurance company, wearing a beige T-shirt. Hard to fault him for winning, but, if he’s going to play the Doomed Dolphins out of a top-ten pick, at least make it exciting!

Reggie Bush had another nice game with 100 yards on 22 carries. He’s still only got 667 yards on the season, which even a zombie Dolphins fan knows is mediocre. Brandon Marshall logged average as well, but the team itself was exemplary. It wasn’t even really a game. The 14 points the Raiders scored were in garbage time, and there was never a moment when the Dolphins, particularly the defense, were not in complete control.

Still, I have to agree with my friend and fellow ‘Fins fan, David Gonzalez, chairman of the Cabinet Beer Baseball Club, who said, “Dolphins fans need to become Eskimos of misery to be able to describe the countless subtle nuances of their pain and confusion. Just like the many different ways [the Eskimos] have to describe snow, there are too many frustrations. I’ve never experienced any season like this in any sport. I am emotionally confused.”

Hear hear. We Dolphins fans do not know how to be happy when we rip the nuts off of a contending AFC team. At this point, the Dolphins are an over-performing penny stock. But still just a penny stock.

In the last five games, the Dolphins have four wins and have outscored the opposing team 139-54. This is amazing football. If a team plays like this in the NFL over the course of the season, they compete for the Super Bowl. But that’s the catch. The Dolphins lost the first seven games and then everyone gave up. The die hard fans were hoping to get a competitive quarterback in the next draft, but the Dolphins are doing there damndest to prove right all the cynics who keep saying they’ll end up with right tackle and 10 years of mediocrity.


The Philadelphia Eagles! The previously self proclaimed “Dream Team” that has the same record as the Dolphins! The game will be competitive if Mike Vick comes back, but I think the Dolphins win this one. I promise no dog-murder jokes. That shit’s not funny. I’d much rather make jokes about how Eagles coach Andy Reid looks like a pizza-fueled walrus.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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