Damn Dolphins: Week Fourteen

By | December 11th, 2011 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

After a demoralizing Dolphins loss to a bad Eagles team, Nathaniel spits up the Kool-Aid.

Great. We lost. Despite an average showing from quarterback Michael Vick, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-8) owned the Dolphins (4-9) the entire game en route to a 26-10 victory. Remind me to never care about anything the Miami Dolphins do again. My mistake. With the spirited way they were playing in the last five games, following an 0-8 start, I’d gotten that old-timey football love and jubilee in my bones — until the second quarter Sunday, when the Eagles went on a 24-point scoring spree off of three Dolphins turnovers.

I watched this game in a bar in Brooklyn. The sound wasn’t on, so I have no idea what storyline the junior varsity announcing duo of Chris Mathews and Tim Ryan decided to conjure up for the flailing Dolphins. I could, however, hear the meatball cheers of drunken New York Jets fans as they dismantled the opposing Kansas City Chiefs and furthered their quest to be a perennial underdog playoff contender. At least for a minute my inner Dolphins self-loathing gave way to good old-fashioned Jets hatred. But then Missionary Matt Moore left the game with a head injury, forcing backup quarterback and fulltime bum J.P. Losman into the game, and I remembered how hopeless the Dolphins have been since the sepia-tinted Marino days.

It was obvious even after four beers and with the TV on mute that our offense is a falling-apart mess. Chinua Achebe couldn’t describe our O-line. With Pro Bowl left tackle Jake Long getting injured and right tackle Vernon Carey on the bench for a coach’s decision, the hodgepodge of replacements might as well have been blocking a tsunami, a supernova, gravity, and the Golden Horde of Mongolia. The two Dolphins quarterbacks were sacked nine times and each raped once. That’s awful, like drinking mayonnaise bad.

The defense really wasn’t all that terrible — they were just being constantly put in bad situations by offensive turnovers and failed fourth-down conversions. On the whole, the Dolphins looked just like the same poorly run team that went 0-8 to start the season.

After the game Armando Salguero of The Miami Herald reported that head coach Tony Sparano will be fired after the season but general manager and personnel chief Jeff Ireland is safe. Owner Stephen Ross can’t buy a clue. Give Sparano a raise and an extension and then fire him? Keep the guy who has pissed off just about everyone in the league, media, and fan base and can’t stop drafting injury-prone linemen? Kill me with a spiked cudgel.


The Buffalo Bills! Another standoff of mediocre teams without any playoff implications or excitement whatsoever! Given that the Dolphins will be making the trek up to currently below-freezing Buffalo for this one, I don’t really like our chances, even — I mean, especially — if J.P. Losman gets a crack at beating his former team. I drove through Buffalo once in the wintertime and threw two interceptions. We’re fucked.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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