Damn Dolphins: Lord Ha’ Mercy

By | March 20th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

Peyton is heading to Denver, and Nathaniel is hopping mad.

I had to chime in. I’ve got this mouthpiece here and I need to yell slobberingly through it. What is this Dolphins team doing? Besides not taking my advice and prompting the rest of the NFL and assorted sports media to make bold statements about how the franchise is the most poorly run in the NFL. I can’t help but wonder if owner Stephen Ross thought that when he spearheaded the team’s “regime change” he was going to get United Nations funding and some goodwill momentum from heads of state in the Balkans.

In my open letter to Stephen Ross (linked above), you’ll see that I am on record around two months ago as not being (too) vehemently against general manager Jeff Ireland as the rest of the rabid Dolphins fans because I was trying to have faith in Ross doing the right thing:

“I hope that your leaving the reins in the hands of Jeff Ireland (whom I don’t hate as much as many diehard fans do) is a calculated FOOTBALL move. From a distance, I think that guy is a huge asshole. But if you leave a billion-dollar business in the hands of an asshole you must be sure that he is the right asshole. Not just an asshole.”

No more. Seriously. No more of this. Fuck Ireland. He’s an asshole, and NOT the right asshole. Even former Dolphin and current schmuck Joey Porter came out and said something is not altogether right with Jeff Ireland. Can you imagine being such a wreckless dipshit that Joey “Popcorn Muscles” Porter can pile on the fresh rhino shit when you’re making mistakes that everyone is laughing at?

I recognize that sitting across the great void and complaining about the football matters of an NFL team is basically fanporn, but look at what this front office has done. In one offseason they have lost out on now Rams coach Jeff Fisher, lost out on now Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, lost out on now Seahawks quarterback Matt Flynn, cut defensive leader Yeremiah Bell, and traded their best wide receiver Brandon Marshall to the Bears for significantly less than they paid a couple years ago. Oh, but we signed some offensive lineman whose name I can’t remember that probably has rickets and David Garrard whose current claim to fame as an NFL quarterback is that he was only passably mediocre when he wasn’t fat, 34, and a year out of shape.

Remember when Jeff Ireland took over? We needed a quarterback to have faith in, a better and more cohesive offensive line, a number-one wide receiver, and team identity. Guess what we need now? All of the EXACT same things. Plus lithium in the drinking water at whatever the fuck the stadium is called now. I like Clown Shoe Stadium. Can we get sponsored by the concept of clown shoes? I think that idea has legs. Clown legs.

To further recap, the offense is going to be worse than last year. Defense is going to be vaguely the same, but definitely not better. Usually in South Florida, if you’ve been “rebuilding” for this long, a multi-national bank comes in, shuts the whole thing down, and sells it off in pieces to a Brazilian hedge fund. The only hope I have left is that this actually happens and that they stick Ireland somewhere in the Amazon where they have that little fish everyone talks about that swims up urine streams. We are a plummeting laughingstock and we have Ross’ decision to keep Ireland, in combination with his bumbling around prospective coaches and players like a baby elephant on PCP, to thank for it.

So we have no choice but turn our hopes to the NFL draft which starts on April 26. But since I have damned near completely given up, I am secretly hoping we get another fat lineman in the first round with a “great motor” and then draft a second round quarterback who busts out in three years because I hate being happy.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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