Sitting down to watch the first round of the NFL Draft on Thursday night, I felt a sort of cathartic cynicism. The Dolphins are terrible and there’s nothing that could happen that would change that. Four years after the arrival of general manager Jeff Ireland, the team is thin at every position on both sides of the ball. There’s only one guy left on the roster from Ireland’s first draft: Jake Long, who was universally accepted as a surefire star when the Dolphins selected him with the first overall pick in 2008. If you believe the rumors (I don’t), Long may be leaving soon, too.
So, with the eighth overall pick to look forward to and no shot at snagging a player that could possibly turn the franchise around (and thereby save me from swallowing my remote this coming season), I settled in to watch the four-day-long kabuki theater of athletes getting jobs. And I took notes.
8th pick (8th overall)
Ryan Tannehill – Quarterback – Texas A&M
Twitter got into a tizzy with how attractive Tannehill’s wife was. Great. Only a couple of people noticed how the dude looks exactly like previously defrocked Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne. No one mentioned how the Tannehill pick was basically a ploy for Jeff Ireland to prolong his job security, which is the only thing he’s actually good at. Draft pundits, sad little self-serious men on too much coffee, universally panned the move. I will wait until the team gives up on Tannehill to give up on him myself. That’s not true. After the first interception I will hate him.
10th pick (42nd overall)
Jonathan Martin – Offensive Tackle – Stanford
Oh great. Another offensive lineman! Jeff Ireland has drafted seven offensive linemen. Quick tip for those unfamiliar with how the game works: a starting offensive line is only five guys. The fact that this offensive line is still desperate for talent is 5-a.m.-buying-whomever-is-left-in-the-bar-shots sad.
9th pick (72nd overall)
Oliver Vernon – Defensive End – Miami
Seems slightly like pandering to the Miami fanbase, and everyone is calling Vernon a reach, which I think is a pretty stupid concept in general. If your front office thinks the guy is worth the pick, he’s worth the pick. If your front office is terrible, then it’s probably a terrible pick. (Hint: it’s a terrible pick.)
15th pick (78th overall)
Michael Egnew – Tight End – Missouri
New quarterback needs a new tight end, incumbent TE Tony Fasano not being much to write home about. So I’m ok with this pick, though Egnew has a terrible ring to it. Egnew. It sounds like an evil 19th-century professor from a Guy Pearce movie that no one watched. Except me.
2nd pick (97th overall)
Lamar Miller – Running Back – Miami
I love Lamar Miller. Love him. More pandering! To me! He was the only guy worth watching on a mediocre Hurricanes squad last year. But we traded a fourth-round pick and two sixth-round picks to get a third-round running back. Last year we traded three picks and used one to get running back Daniel Thomas in the second round. That’s eight picks in two years for two running backs. This is a position that people typically get in free agency, underpay, and run into the ground because of the availability and interchangeability of the position. We are leveraging our future for running backs. The Dolphins have given up on hiding how bad they are at football decisions. Still, there’s a Pomeranian’s chance in ancient Pompeii that Reggie Bush even comes close to having a season like the one he had last year.
20th pick (155th overall)
Josh Kaddu – Linebacker – Oregon
My brother teaches at the University of Oregon, Kaddu’s alma mater, so I asked him for an on-the-record statement about the linebacker. His response was “Who?” Thanks for succinctly summing up the later rounds of the NFL Draft, Prof. Sandler. I can’t decide if this Josh Kaddhu guy sounds Jewish or Indian or Nigerian. Either way, welcome to Miami!
13th pick (183th overall)
B.J. Cunningham – Wide Receiver – Michigan State
I don’t know why but I like this pick. Cunningham is probably going to end the year with four tackles on special teams and a torn MCL, but I like it. He’s the all-time leading receiver at Michigan State, and since this year is basically going to be an all-out competition for third-best receiver on the team, who knows where this guy could end up? Probably on the New England practice squad! I do know that our wide receiving corps retakes its toilet seat as worst in the NFL. Good to be back. I really do hate separation. From defensive backs.
8th pick (215th overall)
Kheeston Randall – Defensive Tackle – Texas
These interior defensive guys that get drafted late rarely end up on the team. Seems destined for the practice squad. I would like to see him give a good effort and make the team so each one of his half tackles a game I can nonchalantly ask the air, “What’s a Kheeston?”
20th pick (227th overall)
Rishard Matthews – Wide Receiver – Nevada
Some guy who will probably have no bearing on the franchise. You heard it here first (because every one else follows that tired “if you have nothing nice to say” claptrap). I do like Nevada though. Good state. Strong state. Whore state. I wonder what kind of questions Ireland asked this guy about his mother.