Damn Dolphins: Week One

By | September 9th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

New season. Same Damn Dolphins.

Welcome back to Damn Dolphins, your humble source for in-depth despair-based Miami Dolphins football analysis. I’ve been working on my pain and suffering analogies all offseason. I was pretty sure I was going to start this year’s first column off with talking about how watching our offense was not unlike getting a Tabasco enema. Then maybe liken the defensive secondary to quasi sentient Yeti turds.

But then, during the first quarter of Sunday’s game, the first of the 2012-13 season, we didn’t play like a toilet-algae colony against the pre-season Super Bowl-contending Houston Texans.

But then again the Texans had a 24-point second quarter on their way to a 30-10 trouncing of our hapless Dolphins. I think we can expect quite a few double-digit losses this year. Exciting stuff!

The second quarter was a firestorm. I vurped the entire time. All of the fears that doomsayer Dolphins fans had coming in to this season showed up at once. It was like watching a hot air balloon crash with the whole team deflating and then spinning out of control in freefall. The defense pissed itself and fell asleep. Running back Daniel Thomas fumbled and left the game seeing stars (that weren’t him). And Tannehill imploded. Holy porpoise jerky, did Tannehill implode.

​Here’s the reality of the Dolphins: the whole 2012 season is really just a three-legged dog and pony show to see if rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill is the real deal. And he showed us that he’s the real deal of throwing the ball directly into the opposing team’s defensive line, with two of the deflections turning into two of his three interceptions. Apparently his playbook just says the word “WALLBALL” four thousand times. And judging from the fumble he had, the book is glossed with motor oil. That said, I’m not ready to write Tannehill off just yet because he seemed to be making decent decisions, but he’s making those decisions with the accuracy of a flaccid tape measure.

Everyone else was mediocre and the offense didn’t even score a touchdown. Running back Reggie Bush had some life on offense and looked like he was going to have a good game, but he ended the effort with an average 14 carries for 69 yards. Wide Receiver Brian Harline was exciting but average with 3 catches for 50 yards. Our wide receivers are not really going to help this rookie quarterback out for the rest of the year.

All I could think during this sputtering and uncontrolled mess was that Davone Bess should not have cut his dreadlocks.

The offseason was a disappointment, in my miserable opinion, and that’s going to translate to poor results this year. General Manager Jeff Ireland is public enemy number two because he is not good enough at anything to be on the top of any list. He gives away our best wide receiver and our best cornerback for worse draft picks than he got them for. And Hard Knocks, the behind-the-scenes locker room show about the Dolphins, was just depressing and should have been directed by Gus Van Sant so we could at least laugh about how gross people are.

I hate this team.
The Oakland Raiders! Home opener! Given the way the offense looked in Game One, I assume Oakland will rest its defensive line and start a handful of tall open mailboxes. Tannehill will throw four picks, and we’ll all wish we were born fans of a team with a future.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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