It was an exciting opening Sunday at Clown Shoe Stadium, the Miami Dolphins’ home field and ritualistic self-mutilation campground. The diehard fans will be happy to know that the Orange Carpet is gone, the old fight song is back, and the team has been officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And after a pathetic and lifeless loss last week to the Houston Texans, the Dolphins bounced back with a skull-crushing 35-13 victory over the Oakland Raiders. This team is well are on their way to restoring the simple mediocrity that has defined itself for the last decade and a half.
Let me start by declaring a few total heroes that came out on Sunday. Reggie Bush’s ability to take over a game is unlike anyone else in the NFL. He scored two dominant rushing touchdowns with MVP bravado. Wide receiver Brian Hartline caught nine passes for 111 yards and made white people proud everywhere. And rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill went 18 for 30 with 200 yards, limited his mistakes to nearly zero, and threw his first touchdown as a pro while managing to impress fans by not being Chad Henne. As I have said, Tannehill improving is the only thing that matters this season — his teammates are all just ugly fluffers in the poorly directed anal scene of the 2012 Miami Dolphins.
This is the point in the season where everyone realizes the team has a solid-but-not-elite defense and an-iffy-but-nowhere-near-solid offense. The issue on Sunday was really a poorly coached Oakland team. Any mindless boob-sock watching the game could see that our defensive secondary is infested with termites. Sean Smith looks strong but trading away Vontae Davis, our best cover corner, in the offseason definitely produced some rank Swiss cheese in the backfield.
Q: What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
A: There’s a second-string tight end catching a 15 yard slant right in the middle of it.
But the Dolphins’ defensive line, particularly the middle unit, was fantastic and held the Raiders to only 23 rushing yards. Defensive tackle Paul Soliai is the world’s most beautiful cave troll. If he ate an opposing offensive lineman AND the football on the field, I would consider re-upping my season tickets for next year after a two year hiatus.
I can’t help but feel the presence of that last glorious shred of hope locked away in Pandora’s Box knowing that owner Stephen Ross acquiesced to the fans and scrapped the farcical celebrity Orange Carpet. I am sure he read my letter and heeded my advice. Whatever caused Ross to also shelve the “Fins Up” celebration song and go back to the old school fight song gives me that goose-bumped glimmer of the future possible. But it’s common knowledge, and somewhat of a joke on Mount Olympus, that Pandora was a Dolphins fan. Because all she had was hope. And a drinking problem.
The New York Jets! Our biggest and most aggravating rival! This is going to be a watershed game, because if the Dolphins pull out a victory, then they prove themselves some version of competitive and the season theoretically becomes interesting. Which means the Dolphins will get embarrassed at home in a close game by a bitter rival in front of more of the other teams’ fans than their own. I plan on going to the game to experience this despair at its height. There is no truer feeling of helplessness than when you are in Clown Shoe Stadium and the Jets score a touchdown causing an eruption from the crowd that is louder than anything the Dolphins elicited that day. I get secondhand embarrassment for my team and my hometown. I hate the Jets.