Damn Dolphins: Week Three

By | September 24th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

In Week Three, the Dolphins take their hated rival, the New York Jets, to overtime ... and lose, leaving Nathaniel in a lover's helpless agony.

I made the trip down the turnpike to Clown Shoe Stadium to watch the Miami Dolphins play the New York Jets on Sunday and unfortunately, my prediction of an embarrassing loss in a close game was spot on. That simple description, however, barely scratches the surface of how truly awful witnessing it in person was. It was gross. It was gut wrenching. It was demoralizing. It was good old-fashioned Miami Dolphins football.

The season’s bright spot so far, running back Reggie Bush, went down early in the first quarter and didn’t return to the game. Which gave way to second stringer Daniel Thomas who is basically as useless as a drunk intern. Seriously, does that guy actually have flippers? I feel like if you took off his gloves off it would look like Danny Devito’s hands when he played The Penguin in Batman Returns. He’s fumbled twice this season in two games. And we gave up three draft picks to get this stooge.

Quarterback Ryan Tannehill is still doing a decent job of minimizing mistakes, though he threw a costly interception that LaRon Landry ran back for a touchdown. He’s also not moving the offense particularly well, but that’s to be expected from a rookie. So we have to get used to quite a few drives that consist of two-runs-incompletion-punt. It’s entirely possible offensive coordinator Mike Sherman has been overtaken by the spirit of former aggravating Dolphins coach and current mustache enthusiast Dave Wannstedt. That’s a terrifyingly boring séance.

There were, as usual, far too many New York Jets fans in the stadium. Miami fans always get a bad wrap for being fair-weather, which is unfair to people who are die-hard fans, but it’s BAD if you hear a cheer when you’re outside in the concessions area and you don’t know which team it’s for. There’s really no solution for this problem either. The NFL continues to make watching the game at home a better option than coughing up all the money it requires to go to the stadium. Plus, let’s be honest: Football fans are collectively a pretty gnarly group. And drunk.

The one bright spot on Sunday was the in-stadium big screen that showed inexplicable media phenom Tim Tebow and a teammate on the Kiss Cam. Another teammate shoved them together to much hullabaloo. They didn’t kiss, but the cheeky and implied homosexuality was just the right amount of overt offensiveness for me to forget how completely awful the actual on-field action was.

But being there for this loss was really something else. It was crushing defeat. The Dolphins had a chance to win the game in overtime and blew it. Typically reliable kicker Dan Carpenter blew the chance to win it with a 48 yard miss in overtime, his second in the game. Jesus was not a Dan Carpenter.

The Dolphins also blocked the game-winning field goal. But Head Coach Joe Philbin called a timeout to ice the kicker. The stadium erupted in joy only to find out the man in charge had botched his own success, and Jets kicker Nick Folk easily made the retry. Good God, this is self destruction at its finest. This is why I didn’t renew my tickets. The team makes you feel like a scorned lover. The walk to the car is downtrodden. Our season is basically over after Week Three again. They take your money and your happiness all at once. So we will get beat on, Dolphins against the current, borne back ceaselessly into mediocrity.


The Arizona Cardinals! Flying across the country to play a 3-0 football team! I can’t envision any possible way the Dolphins win this game. At all. Not a turd’s chance at a dung beetle convention.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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