Damn Dolphins: Week Four

By | October 1st, 2012 | No Comments
Nathaniel Sandler (Halloween)

After the Dolphins' overtime loss to the Cardinals, the team's second OT loss in a row, Nathaniel is in despair.

This is that moment when you have to choose between misery and happiness. They were so good. So close. But the 2012 Miami Dolphins just can’t make being a football fan easy and fun. They have to make each game exciting, and then lose plucking-a-nose-hair miserably.

Far from “easy and fun”, this team has me staring into the abyss, contemplating football suicide as I force a bunch of whiskey down my throat until I hate myself.

So far the Dolphins are turning television into the modern version of watching medieval siege weaponry being built just under the wall of your sanity.

For the second week in a row the Dolphins have dominated their opponent and then lost the game in overtime. That’s bad. Where is the discipline? The Dolphins squandered away a thirteen point halftime lead and then a seven point lead with less than a minute left to the Arizona Cardinals. It was the second week in a row where I felt like my drink was bottled and liquefied depression. I can’t figure out why this keeps happening. Is it the coaching? Am I schizophrenic? I desperately want to give head coach Lurch Philbin the benefit of the doubt. I want more than anything to obliviously assume that the coaching staff kept the team close the last two weeks. But fuck. They lost.

Ladies, blue balls is never an excuse. But I need to spend five minutes in the bathroom this week because of this team.

In fairness, they played their fucking hearts out. They looked fantastic all the way through. They really did. Quarterback Ryan Tannehill keeps coming together, which is impressive — but while he threw for 431 yards and a touchdown against a strong defense, he still had two interceptions and lost a fumble.

The good comes with the bad. The most impressive player on the field was receiver Brian Hartline, who was absolutely impeccable and even broke a franchise record with 253 receiving yards on 12 catches with a touchdown. Given the Dolphins’ storied history this is super impressive considering he’s not named Mark (Duper or Clayton [or on coke {that we know of}]).

The defense is stout and capable of competing against anyone. Cornerback Sean Smith had two picks and the rush defense was really strong, holding the Cardinals to a 1.9 yard average per rush. But it still seems like the defense dominates the whole game until the very moment it matters. At the end. When they think it’s a great time to wash my open heart with diseases only people’s grandparents have heard of.

The Dolphins are basically that movie The Grey, in which Liam Neeson kicks the wolf snot out of all those wolves. But they’re the wolves, man. You watch it for hours, and one side snarls and looks tough and puts up a great fight but you ultimately know who is going to win. Not the wolves.


The Cincinnati Bengals! Another team the Dolphins can burst their full catheter bag all over! There’s no way the secondary can control superstar wide receiver A.J. Green. And no one from Miami has ever succeeded in the Midwest.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

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