Damn Dolphins: Week Five

By | October 8th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' Week Five win against the Bengals warms Nathaniel's heart ... approximately two degrees.

So the seeds have been planted and a dark hope will fester inside all of us.

The Miami Dolphins are a reasonably good football team and learning how to win. After two miserable overtime loses, we can now concede they’re consistently competing against good teams every week. I was even happy after their well-executed, 17-13 win on Sunday over the Cincinnati Bengals, who were a playoff team last year. Then I realized this is all part of the trap inherent in Dolphins Fandom: as with a peptic ulcer, the pain is just waiting to come back.

But until then, let’s savor the good win. I’m often asked how this column will change tone if the Dolphins start winning. I think the question is funny for a couple of reasons. One of the main assumptions is that I’m such a miserable person that I can’t write anything happy. On Sunday, I was happy, trust me. I yelled at the TV in my underwear with the fire of Don Shula’s girthy brash confidence. I was pumped. This team winning games makes me so fired up I WANT TO HEADBUTT MY GRANDMOTHER.

I’m starting to believe in quarterback Ryan Tannehill. And I don’t believe in jack shit. Mistake-free football is important for the rookie, and the simple fact is that I couldn’t be happier that this guy isn’t Chad Henne. He’s helped receiver Brian Hartline get the most receiving yards in football through Week Five. Which is a sentence that if you actually say out loud sounds like something from the fevered mind of a schizophrenic.

Sweet potato soup on fire! The defense looks fantastic. Safety Reshad Jones’ game sealing interception was a playmaker finding the ball at the right time. The front seven might be the best in football and they haven’t allowed a 100-yard rushing performance from the opposing team all year. I would love to one day have lunch with defensive tackle Randy Starks and just watch how he fuels that insane 6’3″, 305-pound frame. I bet he could eat more cheeseburgers than I could eat french fries.

Running back Reggie Bush had an impressive touchdown run, but it looks like injuries are catching up to him. Notable piece of dick-lint Jeff Ireland did make one decent trade in getting Bush, but I think this year might be when his glass knee shatters like everyone in the NFL thought would happen. Then we’ll have to put our hopes into Intern Daniel Thomas. God, that guy pees mediocrity.

Quick reality check here for the diehard fans. We’ve believed in the Dolphins for so long, and they’ve done nothing but pour hot garbage juice on our faces for decades. Let’s just hope they give the young quarterback a wide receiver at some point before his confidence crumbles, and he ends up out of the league and selling overpriced life insurance policies to his college offensive line. We should all wait to anoint him until he actually starts throwing some touchdown passes.


The St. Louis Rams! A team we can maybe beat! Though the Rams soundly handled the Arizona Cardinals after the Cardinals embarrassed the Dolphins in overtime the week before, I think Miami will win this home game with Clown Shoe Stadium fired up at the prospect of going into the team’s Week Seven bye on a rare two-game winning streak.

Nathaniel Sandler is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Allography and the sole founder of @thachickenflava.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.