With this week’s 17-14 win over the St. Louis Rams, the Miami Dolphins are officially mediocre on paper with 3 wins and 3 losses. A lot of people keep talking about how they could be a 5-1 team had the two overtime losses gone a different way. But thinking like that is the sports fan equivalent of drunk-texting an ex.
The best part about this victory was the satisfaction of beating Rams coach Jeff Fisher, whom Dolphins owner and gentleman caller Stephen Ross courted and basically got swindled by. Unfortunately, winning doesn’t make our proud owner any less of a schmuck, but seriously, Jeff Fisher’s mustache looks like a leech mating ball.
Rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill’s line was damned near perfect: 21 for 29 with 189 yards and two touchdowns. Last week I said I wanted to see more touchdowns and he produced. The teenage girl in me would think he’s reading this column, but even the hung-over cynic in me knows he’s really getting better each week. Let’s hope this doesn’t translate to an ACL tear three games from now.
The running game was non-existent-black-hole-dark-matter. Why wasn’t Lamar Miller in this game at all? Reggie Bush needs a break sometimes and the Intern Daniel Thomas is injured. Miller is averaging 5.5 yards per carry, and, on Sunday, the Dolphins rushed for a total of 19 yards. Football analysts often like to use the word “anemic” to describe a part of a team that isn’t playing well. Nineteen yards isn’t anemic — it’s cadaverous. I was starting to think Head Lurch Joe Philbin is a good coach, but this move seemed purposefully bad.
The refs also seemed to want to make all of the close calls go towards St. Louis, which was frustrating to watch. They called the “Tuck Rule” on a Sam Bradford fumble, which was just drunk-monkey stupid. They should get rid of this rule. (Side note: the real reason why I’m not a color commentator for the NFL is because I would not be able to control the impulse to mention that the “Tuck Rule” is named after something teenage boys do with their boners.)
Finally, the Dolphins got lots of help from Rams kicker Greg Zuerlein, who missed three kicks after not having missed a field goal the whole year. There’s nothing better than calling the other team’s kicker a goat. He most likely spent his Saturday night eating goat-cheese-covered mutton while watching The Men Who Stare at Goats with a bell around his neck. BAAAAA. Goat. GOOOAT.
A Bye! No game! I need a break to rest up my bilious liver. The Dolphins need a break because their secondary is all sorts of banged up and thin to begin with (not to mention the worst part of the team). After that is the New York Jets in New York. I think the Dolphins win and split the season series between them, but only because I wish they made a breakfast sandwich with ham, egg, cheese and the New York Jets failure. Have a fun week off people.
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, and Allography. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.