When the Miami Dolphins beat the New York Jets, everything is just the best. It doesn’t matter how it gets done. It just matters that the Jets are embarrassed, and they were completely de-pantsed with horrible shrinkage in a 30-9 romp on Sunday.
They never had a chance. Mark Sanchez is cripplingly bad (and, lest we forget, an alleged rapist). The guy deserves to be mocked and out of the league in two years and also untreatable scurvy.
With all the talk back and forth before this game between running back Reggie Bush and the entire Jets team, it’s nice to know that the only thing that matters is an obnoxiously screechy yelling of the word “SCOREBOARD”.
The smudge on this beautiful day was a knee and quad contusion for promising young quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who went down in the first quarter and never came back. Due to Tannehill’s injury, missionary-position connoisseur Matt Moore made an appearance at quarterback. The team isn’t really too much worse with Missionary Moore and his efficiently boring line of 11 for 19 with 131 yarads and a touchdown at the helm. But it’s not good for Tannehill to lose time learning and developing into a better quarterback. I am feeling slightly guilty about hoping this exact thing wouldn’t happen. I am a huge fucking jinx.
But nothing could change how perfect the Dolphins special-teams unit played on Sunday. Gems included recovering an onside kick, a blocked punt for a touchdown, huge kick returns, and no missed field goals, all peppering the complete dismantling of the Jets.
Ha. The Jets are TERRIBLE. I can’t contain myself. I love it. You know what, they should ALL get untreatable scurvy. The whole team. Heaven is dangling vitamin-C-rich foods above the decrepit scurvy-ridden teeth of everyone’s least favorite windbag, Rex Ryan. I don’t care how weird that sounds. I just don’t.
There was a moment after the game was basically wrapped up when offensive lineman and offensive human being Richie Incognito was waving at the Jets sideline and then blew them a kiss just to rile them up, say goodbye, and let them know they got their asses handed to them. It was a hilarious moment of pure troll, and I absolutely love Incognito for it. There is nothing incognito about the tattoo-covered, 6’3”, 324-pound Incognito. He is a complete mockery of nominative determism, the social science concept that a person’s name dictates how their life may turn out. Often called the dirtiest player in football, Incognito is usually in the middle of a post-play skirmish and seems like a good dude to have on your team as well as possibly a direct descendant of the Abominable Snowman.
Finally, I BELIEVE IN LURCH. This team is well-coached. They seem to be making decent decisions. Which is astounding. Coach Joe Philbin made a mediocre secondary look like world beaters, highlighted by a red zone interception by Chris Clemons and Sean Smith shutting down everyone while looking a little like a ganglier Inspector Gadget. Despite a still flaccid running game, for the first time since the Wildcat season of 2008 I actually feel hopeful. Reality will hit me in the face soon enough, but I think we can enjoy just this one for just this week. There’s just no room for misery when the Dolphins make the Jets look this dumb.
The Indianapolis Colts! We have a winning record! I think we win this one and if Tannehill’s injury doesn’t keep him out be prepared for the inevitable first round rookie vs. first round rookie narrative from the media with the Colts starting number one overall pick Andrew Luck and his occipital bun. Also, I think we can win the next two games after that against the Titans and Bills too! With how crap the AFC is this year we could end up vying for a playoff spot or at least playing meaningful games in December. Who knew? Definitely not the idiots on the TV or this idiot.
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, and Allography. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.