Damn Dolphins: Week Nine

By | November 4th, 2012 | No Comments
Nathaniel Sandler (Halloween)

The Dolphins' loss to the Colts has Nathaniel falling from Cloud Nine in Week Nine.

Welcome back, that familiar post-game malaise and creeping depression into your life.

On Sunday, the Miami Dolphins lost another heart breaker, this time to the Indianapolis Colts, 23-20. Unfortunately, the duel of the rookie quarterbacks favored the Colts’ Andrew Luck and while Ryan Tannehill played admirably, Luck was just too good. The defense was flat and Luck took what he wanted like some sort of evil dwarf king pillaging the land. God, he’s so good. I hate him.

I also hate Colts fans and their entire spoiled organization. To have Peyton Manning for a decade and then back door into Andrew Luck is just unfair. Dolphins fans have had to deal with 17 assholes from Marino to Tannehill. That’s a bigger buttcrack than a blue whale’s, and we still don’t even know if Tannehill is going to be great moving forward.

Everyone in the media has been all over Dolphins cornerback Sean Smith this year, labeling him an elite player. I still think he looks like Inspector Gadget out there, flailing his way to undeserved success without control or skill, and with stupid long arms. He played an awful game. Just awful. His performance consisted of multiple blown coverages, a brutal dropped interception in field goal range at the end of the game, and a few camera shots of him sulking on the sidelines peppered in for good measure. I only call him out because the entire defensive secondary was basically tied to a termite-eaten wooden post in a hurricane. Hurricane Evil Dwarf King.

The Luck vs. Tannehill narrative played out quite entertainingly with both rookies looking polished and ready to take their teams into the future. Luck was just better. Tannehill looked shaky out there for a couple plays, but never made any huge mistakes that cost the Dolphins. The previously impressive offensive line had trouble holding the Colts pass rush at bay and Tannehill just couldn’t close out the game. It might help if he had a halfway capable wide receiver, but I’m sure getting one is in Generalissimo Manager El Jefe Ireland’s five-year plan. But so is trading him away. So screw you if you like winning.

Coach Lurch Philbin took the blame after the game on himself, and I suppose it seems fair to assume that he’s the one working the rotten clutch on the offense stalling out yet again. It seems like nearly every week the team gets to around 17 points, and then they play just conservatively enough to maybe win or maybe lose the game at the last minute. Which is what keeps happening. The last three weeks they’ve won, but the two weeks before that and this week they’ve played exactly the same way and lost. I was going to make a correlation to Tannehill’s jersey number being 17, but that’s just stupid.

EXTENDED METAPHOR TIME! After the Dolphins got to 17, the offense basically turned into the sick triceratops from Jurassic Park. The storm is coming. Fix the fucking offense. I am obviously Laura Dern with my hands in that huge dino shit pile. Now taking applications for the chiseled chin and piercing gaze of Sam Neil.

All that being said, Reggie Bush’s touchdown run was completely amazing. If he asked me to make a sex tape with him I would have to at least think about it. Could really help my career.


The Tennessee Titans! I think the Dolphins take this one. I can’t believe how many wins I’ve predicted so far this season. Tennessee really sucks. I didn’t even know Matt Hasselbeck was still a viable life form.

Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, and Allography. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.

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