You’ll often hear people refer to bad sports performances as “an egg” or teams “laying an egg” (color announcer and noted ear parasite Steve Tasker said it like seven times on Sunday). But in describing the egg the Dolphins laid in their 37-3 loss to the Tennesse Titans at home, Tasker forgot to mention it was a GIANT AFRICAN ELEPHANT BIRD EGG, the largest and most impressive extant egg specimen in the world.
RIP The Dodo and the 2012 Dolphins.
Indeed, there really is absolutely nothing good to say about the Dolphins’ performance against the Titans. Ryan Tannehill showed the pink polka dots on his rookie jock strap by throwing three interceptions and looking disoriented throughout the day until he was benched. Running back Reggie Bush fumbled early in the first half and Coach Lurch Philbin unceremoniously benched him as well, effectively making a bad offense worse and turning the unit into a phantom limb.
The defense continues its slide towards mediocrity. Inspector Gadget impersonator Sean Smith looked completely clueless again this week, and we all have to wonder if Doctor Claw is finally getting the better of him. The coaching staff should probably tell Smith that dropping interceptions and looking completely clueless in coverage is not a suitable intimidation technique. But then again, the rest of the team wasn’t that far off. They somehow allowed the Titan’s Jake “Opa” Locker to look like a competitive quarterback. Penalties were also a factor with the Dolphins giving up 67 yards on seven of them.
Back in the day, cholera- and small pox-ridden ships would fly a yellow flag overhead to signify to onlookers: STAY AWAY. As of Sunday’s Week Ten beat down by the now 4-and-6 Titans, a yellow flag flaps over the Dolphins’ stadium (whatever it’s called). The simple fact that the Dolphins turned the ball over four times was their undoing. You really can’t survive that many mistakes, even if it’s just the ball not bouncing your way. This was the same team that played the Texans in week one, the team we all feared would show up every week this season.
But, yes, this is also a team that’s rebuilding. And it’s important to remember that they’re rebuilding with a rookie quarterback who does not usually stink like a bag of assholes. Usually.
The Buffalo Bills! On Thursday! I don’t like this game. With a short week and the Dolphins having to travel to Buffalo, I predict another loss. If they lose in Buffalo the season could start spiraling out of control with three upcoming games against contenders: Seattle, New England, and San Francisco. Which means we’re well on our way to that glorious mid-first round draft pick El Jefe Ireland so desperately loves to throw into a barrel full of active grenades.
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, and Allography. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.