I wasn’t ready to watch the Miami Dolphins on Thursday. After Sunday’s skin flaying by the Titans, I needed a week of proper sleep and a full cycle of anti-anxietals. But I only got four days, and so did the Dolphins, which showed in their tepid 19-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills on Thursday Night Football.
Amazingly, at halftime, the Dolphins had more penalty yards than offensive yards. This is what we call Zeno’s Paradox of the Terrible NFL Football team. It doesn’t even seem possible, but it is! In true paradoxical form, an impressive special teams touchdown by speedster Marcus Thigpen was tempered by giving up an earlier punt return to the Bills. They couldn’t win on any side of the ball.
On offense, it seems rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill is seeing the field differently then a couple games ago. He looks a like a neurotic dog that isn’t sure he wants to be friends with a house guest. Until the late touchdown pass to Davone Bess, the offense went nine quarters without an offensive touchdown. That streak might as well be in an obese man’s underwear. Rookie offensive lineman Jonathan Martin was a ghost and the whole line got tossed around like an ADHD child’s dolly.
And the play calling! It’s almost like the game was an elaborate homage to former Dolphins head coach and current Bills defensive coordinator Dave Wannstedt, who must have loved that stretch of two draws, a sack, and a punt — Wannstedt practically invented that style of inefficiency.
“We had nothing going on,” Coach Lurch Philbin admitted after the game. It’s never good when your coach describes your offense the same way an unpopular teenager talks about his weekend.
The defense held their own, only giving up four field goals, though the secondary is beyond repair at this point. Cornerback Nolan Carroll is a handsy bum, and Inspector Gadget Sean Smith was sidelined for the fourth quarter due to cramps. This happened to him quite a bit last year, and it might finally be time for coaching staff to put him on birth control so they can have a better shot at predicting when it will happen.
The Seattle Seahawks! We’re fucking doomed! I’m guessing Tannehill will look like a headless ostrich against the vaunted Seahawks secondary. The Dolphins have dropped three straight, and with New England and San Francisco coming up, there’s an ominous six game losing streak looming. I can’t believe I even considered the idea this milquetoast team was going to bring its soggy tasteless bullshit to the playoffs.
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, and Allography. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.