Damn Dolphins: Week Twelve

By | November 25th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' Week Twelve win over the Seahawks has Nathaniel imagining Reggie Bush having sex.

In the third quarter of Sunday’s Miami Dolphins-Seattle Seahawks game, the in-field sprinklers shot up and sprayed water everywhere. It was unexpected-bordering-on-surreal and good for a much-needed laugh. Every once and a while, we need to remember that football’s just a game. In fact, at that moment I would have loved to see the Dolphins and the Seahawks call Week Twelve a draw, crack a few beers, and set up a slip-and-slide party.

Thankfully, they didn’t because, sweet Mary Magdalene’s midriff, the Dolphins 24-21 last-minute win was a good one. This Seahawks team is competitive with an up-and-coming quarterback of their own, Russell Wilson, whose impressive game included a stretch of 16 straight completions. Kudos to coach Pete Carroll for fielding a competitive team without much to work with.

Update: Actually, screw that. Right after the game, ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported that two Seahawks defensive backs are facing four-game suspensions for taking performance enhancing drugs. You guys are juicing, and you can’t even beat the Dolphins? Hahahaha. Losers.

But I digress …

The Dolphins running game was back with Reggie Bush logging 87 yards, including a weaving 21-yard touchdown. The Seahawks defense is strong. It’s just that Reggie Bush is stronger. Even though I imagine Reggie flexes his biceps unironically during sex, I really can’t hate on him. He’s been too good as a Dolphin.

The run defense came up huge again. Noted cave troll Paul Solial is just so much fun to watch. You sorta get the impression that when he falls on opposing running backs, their ancestors feel it. When you see superstar Marshawn Lynch of the Seahawks made almost a complete non-factor, you’ve gotta wonder why opposing teams even consider running against the Dolphins. Especially when our secondary is staffed by gapeworm-ridden geese.

This week’s inactives included Lamar Miller and Michael Egnew, two of El Jefe Ireland’s draft picks from 2012. This is a pattern. I never gave Ireland a pass during the win streak a few weeks ago and continue to believe he’s an incompetent rhinoceros asshole. Sure, this was a good win, but beating a team with an atrocious road record at home is not much to celebrate.

By the way, I asked friend, Seahawks fan, and Throw Me the Statue front man Scott Reitherman what he thought about the game. His reply: “Orange Seats and Sprinklers? Sounds like a gay porno.”



The New England Patriots! At home! I predict the Dolphins will be competitive and eek out a loss. I’m 6-5 with my predictions this year, which makes me about as reliable as the Dolphins on a week-to-week basis. Also, Tom Brady is a bully. I hope Cameron Wake eats one of his feet.

Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, Allography, and the Miami Science Museum blog. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.

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