After a regrettable hiatus last week, I sat down once again to right/write the Damn Dolphins ship and soak in the confusing mediocrity of Miami Dolphins football. They defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars — at best, the second worst team in the league — by a score of 24-3. It was a pretty boring game with theoretical playoff implications for the Dolphins that would require the grand scale tragic death of the entire roster of half of the NFL teams. The Dolphins season is basically wearing a tin foil hat and hoping the Mayan’s were right. Great.
It was good to see former Dolphins quarterback and current Jaguars sacrificial goat Chad Henne back in Miami scuttling around like a tweaking methhead for a different team. The media was trying desperately to paint this as a redemptive moment for Henne, whose butt-chin showed basically what everyone in South Florida already knew, specifically, that he’s terrible, capable of leading a team to no touchdowns through four quarters, and has a butt-chin.
Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill had a good game, with the only blemish being a lost fumble that had all the grace of a dying pigeon. He went 22 for 28 with two scores and no picks and looked in control throughout the second half, showing the signs of possible future greatness we all saw at the beginning of the season. I’ve kept the message throughout the season that Tannehill getting better is the only thing that matters for the 2012 Dolphins. He was growing and then he sputtered, so a game like this can only help his confidence. I just hope we don’t have another Chad Henne type that consistently looks good one week and shits the bed the next week.
The defensive secondary was dropping like drunk fruit flies at one point during the game, and there were people playing cornerback that I didn’t even know existed. R.J. Stanford? Sounds like a 19th-century explorer. Which I guess is cool, but he was awful. This is the positional depth you get when your GM is cheap and bad at his job. And an asshole. He thought Inspector Gadget Sean Smith was going to hold that unit together? That guy is a bum.
Oh. And that fake field goal that punter Brandon Fields tried throwing to tight end Anthony Fasano on fourth-and-goal from inside the five-yard line? Do I even need to make a joke? Ok. Fine. That thing sailed more out of control than a syphilitic pirate.
Anyway, good win out there and good on the Dolphins if they can finish strong. Keep fighting the good fight, lick your wounds, rub some dirt on ‘em, and sleep well knowing that Chad Henne is no longer our starting quarterback.
The Buffalo Bills! At home! I think we take this one and I think it doesn’t matter. I’m not looking for the Dolphins to tank at this point for a better draft pick because we’re not going to use it on a quarterback. We need Tannehill to grow as a player and grow confidence or else this team is fucked long term. Maybe we should all chip in and buy him a nice pair of freshly pressed slacks.
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, Allography, and the Miami Science Museum blog. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.