It has been too long since my last letter, dearest Stephen. I apologize for the lapse. The weather has been nice. I hope you’ve been getting out for fresh air during the occasional walk or awkwardly helmeted Segway ride.
I’m pretty sure you read my last letter to you. Even though you didn’t respond, I just know you read it in my heart of hearts. You got rid of that embarrassing Orange Carpet and for the most part have stopped shoving that fat-person-inspired Jimmy Buffett song down our throats. You also believed in El Jefe Ireland, which I asked you to do, and you kept him. However, I’m done believing in him. I now ask you to do the same. I ask you to think reasonably about the future of the Miami Dolphins. This team is an investment you have made, Moneybags Magoo. Can I call you Moneybags Magoo? This team is a large and mediocre investment. You don’t like mediocre investments. No rich person does.
You also made sure your football people went out and got a quarterback like I asked. Thanks! And congratulations! He may or may not be gator shit! I think we’re on the same page about praying that Ryan Tannehill doesn’t shipwreck his career at the helm of a talentless team. Now you’ll have to make sure your football people go out and get some wide receivers for him to throw to. The game is really hard to win when the wide receivers can’t get open. We have had that problem since El Jefe came on board except that brief respite with Brandon Marshall, who had way too many receiving yards to be a Miami Dolphin.
You have to admit, Stever, getting blown out 28-0 by perennial favorites the New England Patriots stung like a scorpion in your briefs. The Dolphins did their best handful-of-feathers-in-an-industrial-fan impression and showed they are just not ready to compete in the AFC East, or really with any contending team. They went 2-5 against teams that made the playoffs. I’m beginning to think Jeff Ireland’s plan is to wait until Tom Brady is too old and Bill Belichek too senile. During the second quarter, announcer and sentient piece of earwax Phil Simms hesitantly boiled down the Dolphins current state to the following: “Rookie quarterback, first year coach, you’d think it could only get better.” No. I don’t think that. And if you heard him, you sorta felt that Simms didn’t believe the bullshit he was spouting.
I see you’re also trying to distract us with a shiny new logo! There are a lot of fans up in arms about this, and I just don’t care. I’m still going to root for this moose fart of a team even if their logo looks like a fancy dildo. This commitment to distractions is troubling. You seem to be fond of the old switch-a-roo, sleight of hand, smoke/mirrors, and ultimately stuff that just does not matter. This is disconcerting. Your role in this dustbowl circus is not drunk lecherous magician — your role is ringleader. So pick up a whip, step up on a comically small stool, and start cracking the lions across the face.
I don’t think that asking for someone to be fired is a classy move, but re Jeff Ireland it seems reasonable at this point. The Dolphins have not had a winning record in four out of five years that Ireland has had his stinky mitts on this team. When he lets Jake Long go in free agency, no one will be left from his first draft. Why is this ok? How many draft picks has he made and given up on? Am I drunk? Why are we rewarding mediocrity, or worse, losers? Is he really still riding the wave of the Wildcat? Are you drunk? Seriously.
It’s possible Joe Philbin isn’t just an overworked Lurch impersonator as he seems to have made mediocrity out of a molehill. I like the guy. And second in the AFC East seems almost ok before you realize we went 7-9 and bored the hell out of everyone. Thank god the Jets are basically deep friend pubic hair.
So Stephen, I beg of you: Consider your fans. We are emotional idiots, and probably shouldn’t drink as much as I do. We should get back to work. We should hug our families and get outside more. But we don’t want to. We want to win. We want to believe in this team.
Begrudging Life-long Dolphins Fan
Nathaniel Sandler is a freelance writer and editor who also contributes to Red Flag Magazine, The Miami Rail, Allography, and the Miami Science Museum blog. He is the co-founder of the Bookleggers Library. Follow him on twitter.