Bosh and the Mystic Wolfman Barfar to the rescue

By | April 23rd, 2013 | No Comments

With Lebron James, Dwyane Wade and the rest of your Miami Heat just starting their playoff run, the Borscht Film Festival this week released the full version of “Adventures of Christopher Bosh in the Multiverse,” which premiered at Borscht 8 back in December.

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Damn Dolphins: The agony and ecstacy of free agency

By | March 17th, 2013 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' free-agency moves have Nathaniel hoping against hope for hope.

It doesn’t sit right with me when all of the press about an NFL free agency signing mentions “too much money.”

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Is football the most important thing in America?

By | January 14th, 2013 | 5 Comments
-- photo via

The Steubenville rape case shows how far football mania can go. — photo via

In an open letter to Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross after the 2011-2012 NFL season, Beached Miami Damn Dolphins columnist Nathaniel Sandler made a bold claim: “Football is the most important thing in America.” As a sports fan who is not particularly fanatic about American football, I first considered the claim a ridiculous exaggeration. Then Sandler’s brief explanation made me realize what he meant by it, and why it was not only not a ridiculous claim but possibly true.

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Damn Dolphins: An(other) Open Letter to Stephen Ross

By | December 30th, 2012 | No Comments
Stephen Ross

Another disappointing season, another Damn Dolphins cri de cœur addressed to Dolphins owner Stephen Ross.

It has been too long since my last letter, dearest Stephen. I apologize for the lapse. The weather has been nice. I hope you’ve been getting out for fresh air during the occasional walk or awkwardly helmeted Segway ride.

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Damn Dolphins: Week Sixteen

By | December 24th, 2012 | 1 Comment
Damn Dolphins Orange

After the Dolphins’ win against the Bills, Nathaniel is reordering his list of beloved Reginalds.

Immediately after the final seconds ticked off the clock of the Miami Dolphins dominant 24-10 win over the Buffalo Bills, the television provided a delightfully telling Dolphins football moment when it cut over to the close of the Bengals-Steelers matchup that officially eliminated the Dolphins playoffs pipe dreams.

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Damn Dolpins: Week Fifteen

By | December 16th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' Week Fifteen win over the Jaguars has Nathaniel ... not very excited.

After a regrettable hiatus last week, I sat down once again to right/write the Damn Dolphins ship and soak in the confusing mediocrity of Miami Dolphins football. They defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars — at best, the second worst team in the league — by a score of 24-3. It was a pretty boring game with theoretical playoff implications for the Dolphins that would require the grand scale tragic death of the entire roster of half of the NFL teams. The Dolphins season is basically wearing a tin foil hat and hoping the Mayan’s were right. Great.

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Damn Dolphins: Week Thirteen

By | December 3rd, 2012 | No Comments
Damn Dolphins Orange

The Dolphins’ “admirable” loss to the Patriots has Nathaniel insulting Beavers.

The Miami Dolphins played admirably against the New England Patriots on Sunday, which is to say, played well enough to lose. We played from behind starting with the opening drive when usually reliable punter Brandon Fields mishandled a botched snap and handed fancy-pants browbeater Tom Brady and his Patriots a touchdown on a platter. They flogged themselves, those Dolphins, and lost 23-16 in a close game that never really seemed all that competitive.

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Damn Dolphins: Week Twelve

By | November 25th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' Week Twelve win over the Seahawks has Nathaniel imagining Reggie Bush having sex.

In the third quarter of Sunday’s Miami Dolphins-Seattle Seahawks game, the in-field sprinklers shot up and sprayed water everywhere. It was unexpected-bordering-on-surreal and good for a much-needed laugh. Every once and a while, we need to remember that football’s just a game. In fact, at that moment I would have loved to see the Dolphins and the Seahawks call Week Twelve a draw, crack a few beers, and set up a slip-and-slide party.

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Damn Dolphins: Week Eleven

By | November 16th, 2012 | No Comments
Nathaniel Sandler (Halloween)

The Dolphins' third loss in a row, and the prospect of three more to come, has Nathaniel resigned to despair.

I wasn’t ready to watch the Miami Dolphins on Thursday. After Sunday’s skin flaying by the Titans, I needed a week of proper sleep and a full cycle of anti-anxietals. But I only got four days, and so did the Dolphins, which showed in their tepid 19-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills on Thursday Night Football.

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Scorned Fan: ‘Let’s occupy Marlins Park’

By | November 14th, 2012 | No Comments
Marlins Stadium, Opening Day 2013

Outrage follows Marlins’ latest firesale. — Image via

I had just woken up from one of those “I’m about to collapse, I’ve been awake for 28 hours” naps. After working in the morning and attending two afternoon classes, I was ready to start my homework. was open on the computer screen. The headline on the right corner: “Source: Jays set to acquire Reyes, 4 others.”

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