Welcome back, that familiar post-game malaise and creeping depression into your life.
When the Miami Dolphins beat the New York Jets, everything is just the best. It doesn’t matter how it gets done. It just matters that the Jets are embarrassed, and they were completely de-pantsed with horrible shrinkage in a 30-9 romp on Sunday.
With this week’s 17-14 win over the St. Louis Rams, the Miami Dolphins are officially mediocre on paper with 3 wins and 3 losses. A lot of people keep talking about how they could be a 5-1 team had the two overtime losses gone a different way. But thinking like that is the sports fan equivalent of drunk-texting an ex.
So the seeds have been planted and a dark hope will fester inside all of us.
The Miami Dolphins are a reasonably good football team and learning how to win. After two miserable overtime loses, we can now concede they’re consistently competing against good teams every week. I was even happy after their well-executed, 17-13 win on Sunday over the Cincinnati Bengals, who were a playoff team last year. Then I realized this is all part of the trap inherent in Dolphins Fandom: as with a peptic ulcer, the pain is just waiting to come back.
With the start of a new NBA basketball season around the corner, Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade decided to work a bike ride into his training regimen. The eight-time All Star and two-time champion rode in the monthly group ride Critical Mass on Friday night and, as you can see in the video below, he seems to have caught the Critical Mass bug. “Yo, this is bananas,” Wade says in the video. “Critical Mass. I like it. With the people, you know what I mean, riding through the streets — I like it. It’s nice, man. I enjoyed it. This won’t be my last ride. Gotta get another one.” Something tells me next month’s ride is going to break the attendance record.
This is that moment when you have to choose between misery and happiness. They were so good. So close. But the 2012 Miami Dolphins just can’t make being a football fan easy and fun. They have to make each game exciting, and then lose plucking-a-nose-hair miserably.
I made the trip down the turnpike to Clown Shoe Stadium to watch the Miami Dolphins play the New York Jets on Sunday and unfortunately, my prediction of an embarrassing loss in a close game was spot on. That simple description, however, barely scratches the surface of how truly awful witnessing it in person was. It was gross. It was gut wrenching. It was demoralizing. It was good old-fashioned Miami Dolphins football.
It was an exciting opening Sunday at Clown Shoe Stadium, the Miami Dolphins’ home field and ritualistic self-mutilation campground. The diehard fans will be happy to know that the Orange Carpet is gone, the old fight song is back, and the team has been officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And after a pathetic and lifeless loss last week to the Houston Texans, the Dolphins bounced back with a skull-crushing 35-13 victory over the Oakland Raiders. This team is well are on their way to restoring the simple mediocrity that has defined itself for the last decade and a half.
Welcome back to Damn Dolphins, your humble source for in-depth despair-based Miami Dolphins football analysis. I’ve been working on my pain and suffering analogies all offseason. I was pretty sure I was going to start this year’s first column off with talking about how watching our offense was not unlike getting a Tabasco enema. Then maybe liken the defensive secondary to quasi sentient Yeti turds.
But then, during the first quarter of Sunday’s game, the first of the 2012-13 season, we didn’t play like a toilet-algae colony against the pre-season Super Bowl-contending Houston Texans.
After watching this video of athletes running, jumping, and just about flying through the Miami Marine Stadium, the Modernist masterwork of architecture and contemporary masterpiece of graffiti on Key Biscayne, I realized the London 2012 Olympics are missing a game: parkour.