Damn Dolphins: Week Three

By | September 26th, 2011 | 10 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' late-game loss to the Browns in Week Three robs Nathaniel of needed nourishment.

I can’t believe the Dolphins lost to the Cleveland Browns. I took notes the whole time in gleeful handwriting. I was going to mock the City of Cleveland for its lack of Lebron James. I was going to praise Chad Henne’s forehead for its droopy poise. I was going to stand tall for at least one beautiful moment as the happiness of victory on the football field released nutrients of joy throughout my starved body. Then they ripped out my heart and threw an interception with it.

The Dolphins laid a whale-shark egg in Cleveland. The offense was boring and the defense pissed its pajamas when it mattered most. It made me cringe to see Tony Sparano fist-pumping the 38-yard field goal that gave us a flimsy 16-10 lead late in the fourth. We get it, Tony. You love field goals. Now fix this team before you and your staff end up floating face down in that quiet little cove in Taiji. Speaking of dolphin sacrifice …

Lord, the penalties! The Dolphins had 10 penalties for 93 yards. This team gets sanctioned more than North Korea. After a botched goal-line play, we settled for yet another field goal and Brandon Marshall’s frustrations surfaced in the form of a 15-yard penalty for shoving a Browns defensive back. At oh-and-three, we can expect a lot more surfacing frustration, especially from Marshall, whose antics are now annoyingly un-PC to mock in light of his recently announced struggles with borderline personality disorder. Speaking of frustration …

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