Damn Dolphins: Week Seven

By | October 23rd, 2011 | 6 Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

The Dolphins' late-game collapse against the Denver Broncos in Week Seven has Nathaniel prophesying a rolling head.

Anyone else out there shit pure hot sauce after watching the Miami Dolphins blow a 15-point fourth quarter lead against the Denver Broncos?

God, after that enraging spectacle of terrible, we can officially put the fan base on injured reserve for the season. In fact, some fans are cheering for the Dolphins to lose all the way out to maximize their chances of snagging Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first overall pick of the draft. Others want Coach Tony Sparano and General Manager Jeff Ireland gone. I’m still getting over the fact that I sat and watched that spindly hyena pube of a football game all the way to its pitiful split end.

Week Seven’s matchup against the Denver Broncos was basically an unwatchable avant-garde experimental film for the first three and a half quarters. You have to wonder if Sparano studied under Jonas Mekas as he leads his bum-dick team around and occasionally pukes up a field goal as the fans get bored and confused. Even with a 15-0 lead in the fourth there was a creeping sense of terror. Cinematic.

And then the Dolphins collapsed. Oh man, did they collapse. It was like watching a drunk on stilts play a game of Jenga on the Titanic. We were up 15 to zero with less than three minutes left. The play of full-time cherub, part-time quarterback Tim Tebow was so bad, the announcers spent the better part of four quarters questioning his ability to play NFL football. And then he threw two touchdown passes and scrambled for a two-point conversion to tie the game with seconds left.

In overtime, Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore’s small hands fumbled away the final ball on a D.J. Williams strip sack. Sitting pretty at our 36 yard-line, the Broncos eventually booted a field goal to win the game.

Now Saint Tebow’s acolytes would probably call the turnaround divine intervention. But, of course, that’s bullshit. God doesn’t need to intervene to make the Dolphins lose. They sacrifice themselves. Against the Broncos, they did so by deciding not to rush for the last three minutes of the game, i.e., they decided to do the only thing that would let Tebow find his footing. In church, they call that penitence. After nine straight losses dating back to last season, I call it immaculate stupidity.

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