It has been too long since my last letter, dearest Stephen. I apologize for the lapse. The weather has been nice. I hope you’ve been getting out for fresh air during the occasional walk or awkwardly helmeted Segway ride.
The Miami Dolphins played admirably against the New England Patriots on Sunday, which is to say, played well enough to lose. We played from behind starting with the opening drive when usually reliable punter Brandon Fields mishandled a botched snap and handed fancy-pants browbeater Tom Brady and his Patriots a touchdown on a platter. They flogged themselves, those Dolphins, and lost 23-16 in a close game that never really seemed all that competitive.
I didn’t renew my season tickets to the Miami Dolphins this year. With a 1-7 home record last year and the NFL dicking its fans around with a lockout, I just couldn’t stand the idea of pumping a couple grand into such a filthy economy. As atonement, I have decided to chronicle the pain and putrefaction that comes with being a diehard Dolphins fan. We will rejoice or regurgitate together depending on the week’s box scores.
I thought it fitting for the night to start with a Stealth Bomber flyover of Sun Life Stadium. People think the Stealth Bomber is the most amazing piece of military machinery around, but in reality it is being phased out of action. This spectacle — flash followed by fumes — typifies the NFL. It’s how you get hooked early on pure excitement and end up eating orangutan shit for 30 years with a mediocre team.
Every time I see a little kid in a Dolphins shirt I cringe a little at the poor sucker’s future. “You don’t deserve this,” I think. What he doesn’t yet know, and I know too well, is that the Dolphins are going to blow it in the end, that no matter how well the game is going the commercial break is enough time for the whole team to succumb to its latent ineptitude, that each season is the rock of Sisyphus and the only means of maintaining one’s sanity vis-à-vis South Florida sports is functional alcoholism and an irrational hatred of the New York Jets.