I considered dressing up as a downtrodden Dolphins fan for a Halloween party Saturday night. The team T-shirt and a paper bag over my head would have been easy enough. But then I realized it was a boring costume, and that the team is boring to watch, and I was just bored angry by the whole season, and I decided to epitomize the concept of boredom by staying in and cross-checking my insurance coverages. You know who didn’t stay in and check the New York Giants coverages? The Dolphins coaching staff.
Don’t get me wrong. This Dolphins team is a bottomless chasm of Halloween costume inspiration. Don’t be surprised if you open your door tonight and find a Bludgeoned Tony Sparano or a Brandon Marshall With Amputated Hands or a Lobotomized Jeff Ireland With Shit For Brains sticking his hand out for a Snickers bar. The most fitting get-up, though, would probably be a zombie in full pads since that’s what every player on this nightmare of a team plays like week after week.
Feel free to chime in with your own idea for a Dolphins-themed Halloween costume, particularly if you’re planning on wearing it tonight. There are so many different ways you can ridicule this team, and the only joy of following along this season is being able to laugh at just how truly awful they are.