Great. We lost. Despite an average showing from quarterback Michael Vick, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-8) owned the Dolphins (4-9) the entire game en route to a 26-10 victory. Remind me to never care about anything the Miami Dolphins do again. My mistake. With the spirited way they were playing in the last five games, following an 0-8 start, I’d gotten that old-timey football love and jubilee in my bones — until the second quarter Sunday, when the Eagles went on a 24-point scoring spree off of three Dolphins turnovers.
The Miami Dolphins dismantled the Oakland Raiders with the furious cruelty of Vlad the Impaler in Sunday’s 34-14 victory. Watching your team crush its opponent usually feels good. Great! But, win or lose, this season’s Dolphins always leave me in a post-game confusion. No matter what what just happened, I never know how I should feel.
On Sunday Missionary Matt Moore reinforced his brand of winning with boring precision: 13 of 25 for 162 yards and one touchdown. If I were any good at Photoshop, I would create an image of Moore sitting in traffic, listening to smooth jazz while on the phone with his insurance company, wearing a beige T-shirt. Hard to fault him for winning, but, if he’s going to play the Doomed Dolphins out of a top-ten pick, at least make it exciting!
Well, you can’t beat your fate. The fate of the 2011 Miami Dolphins is to look good all the way through and not finish. It’s getting to the point where I have to wonder aloud if Coach Sparano has them practicing with blue footballs. The 20-19 loss to the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving was the first time in a long time I was really rooting for them to pull off a win and, of course, they caved. They deserve no Thanksgiving leftovers.
The halftime show deserves a mention considering it was a hilarious hodgepodge of scripted 305-inspired crap. Pitbull is the man and all, but he’s turning into a tropical nightclub cartoon character. And I’d like Enrique Iglesias to sleep with my sister so I can try out my David Carradine-inspired Five Point Exploding Scrotum Technique on him. I don’t have a sister and that halftime show was birdshit.
Well, the Miami Dolphins look impeccable. I can’t fucking believe this. Where the hell was this world-beating defense and flawless offensive execution for the first seven weeks of the season? Oh, that’s right. It was lodged securely up injured former starting quarterback Chad Henne’s bleached asshole. Some players in the Dolphins locker room predicted they would win out their schedule and end 9-7 with a playoff berth. With an utterly decisive 35-8 win over early-season NFL darlings the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, they are perhaps are on their way to fulfilling that insane prediction. If they win out the season, I’ll eat my TV remote. After shoving it up Chad Henne’s ass.
The Dolphins are finally playing with a ton of heart. I guess all it takes to raise the spirit of a football team to new and amazing heights is to lose seven consecutive games in embarrassing fashion and almost eliminate your playoff chances. It makes sense — there’s no pressure.
Nonetheless, the unsalted porridge inside Matt Moore, who threw three touchdowns and no interceptions on Sunday, seems to have rejuvenated the locker room. And because that guy is still as boring as an unfrosted Pop Tart, he only threw for 160 yards. Wide receiver Brandon Marshall had just one grab, for a measly five yards, but the rest of the offense seemed to be clicking on all cylinders. Running back Reggie Bush and tight end Tony Fasano both had another score this week. It was also exciting to see the ongoing development of new fan favorite fullback/h-back/tight-end/reliable-swiss-army-utility-belt/underdog Charles Clay. Management loves a guy like Clay because he can do a variety of things well and, since he doesn’t do any one of them like a superstar, they can pay him in potato sticks.
Man, the 2011-2012 Miami Dolphins are boring. Even in their 20-9 victory against the crap-stank Washington Redskins — their first home win in nearly a year — they lost my interest. I actually dozed off in the middle of the third quarter.
Matt Moore’s name is boring. Read his stat line (20 for 29 with 207 yards and an interception) if you can’t fall asleep tonight. Knowing Dolphin fans, we’ll be justifying this unleaded-pencil dick as the future of our franchise before long. Once a sucker, always a sucker …
On Sunday the Dolphins proved that they are not the dive-bar toilet algae we thought they were. It seems that Coach Tony Sparano has regained control of the locker room and could at this point hold on to his job through the end of this non season. I figure we win another couple of games. Maybe one of them will make me happy.
This season has become the senile grandparent to whom decorum demands we pay at least some attention. It needs to be fed and diapered, but meanwhile we’re eying the next generation, or, in this case, next season. Each win puts us in a worse position to draft even the secondary stud quarterbacks like Oklahoma’s Landry Jones and Matt Barkley of University of Southern California. I’m pulling for Landry Jones only because I hate everything from USC.
WE WOOOOOOOOOONNNN! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! Wait. Is that even a good thing? Some people are happy the Dolphins were finally able to plug the crack house bathtub drain, at least for a week, with their 31-3 walloping of the Kansas City Chiefs. Other fans openly lament the victory, our first this season, because it lessens our chance of drafting Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first pick in next year’s draft. Despite a flawless three-touchdown performance by quarterback Matt Moore and impressive showings from both running back Reggie Bush (92 yards rushing, 50 yards receiving, one touchdown) and wide receiver Brandon Marshall (106 yards receiving, one touchdown), Fins Nation seems unsure if celebration or lamentation is in order. We Dolphins fans are a miserable breed.
I have mostly avoided joining the “Suck for Luck” chants myself because I know it’s not worth emotionally investing in a player that isn’t on our team. The mindfuck of being a Dolphins fan for the last 10 years has been buying into the vague possibility that the team is going to be good, for this or that reason, only to suffer through one losing season after another. Now everyone is looking to Andrew Luck, a kid who currently calls the other side of the effing country home, as the franchise’s savior. Not me. It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve finally wised up.
That said, WE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! It is a relief. The last vestige of pride — justifiable pride — Dolphins fans have is the 1972 championship team’s 17-0 record. You don’t want to have both an undefeated season and a winless season in one team’s history. It would be like having V-J Day and the Fall of Saigon in one country’s — nevermind.
I considered dressing up as a downtrodden Dolphins fan for a Halloween party Saturday night. The team T-shirt and a paper bag over my head would have been easy enough. But then I realized it was a boring costume, and that the team is boring to watch, and I was just bored angry by the whole season, and I decided to epitomize the concept of boredom by staying in and cross-checking my insurance coverages. You know who didn’t stay in and check the New York Giants coverages? The Dolphins coaching staff.
Don’t get me wrong. This Dolphins team is a bottomless chasm of Halloween costume inspiration. Don’t be surprised if you open your door tonight and find a Bludgeoned Tony Sparano or a Brandon Marshall With Amputated Hands or a Lobotomized Jeff Ireland With Shit For Brains sticking his hand out for a Snickers bar. The most fitting get-up, though, would probably be a zombie in full pads since that’s what every player on this nightmare of a team plays like week after week.
Feel free to chime in with your own idea for a Dolphins-themed Halloween costume, particularly if you’re planning on wearing it tonight. There are so many different ways you can ridicule this team, and the only joy of following along this season is being able to laugh at just how truly awful they are.
Anyone else out there shit pure hot sauce after watching the Miami Dolphins blow a 15-point fourth quarter lead against the Denver Broncos?
God, after that enraging spectacle of terrible, we can officially put the fan base on injured reserve for the season. In fact, some fans are cheering for the Dolphins to lose all the way out to maximize their chances of snagging Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first overall pick of the draft. Others want Coach Tony Sparano and General Manager Jeff Ireland gone. I’m still getting over the fact that I sat and watched that spindly hyena pube of a football game all the way to its pitiful split end.
Week Seven’s matchup against the Denver Broncos was basically an unwatchable avant-garde experimental film for the first three and a half quarters. You have to wonder if Sparano studied under Jonas Mekas as he leads his bum-dick team around and occasionally pukes up a field goal as the fans get bored and confused. Even with a 15-0 lead in the fourth there was a creeping sense of terror. Cinematic.
And then the Dolphins collapsed. Oh man, did they collapse. It was like watching a drunk on stilts play a game of Jenga on the Titanic. We were up 15 to zero with less than three minutes left. The play of full-time cherub, part-time quarterback Tim Tebow was so bad, the announcers spent the better part of four quarters questioning his ability to play NFL football. And then he threw two touchdown passes and scrambled for a two-point conversion to tie the game with seconds left.
In overtime, Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore’s small hands fumbled away the final ball on a D.J. Williams strip sack. Sitting pretty at our 36 yard-line, the Broncos eventually booted a field goal to win the game.
Now Saint Tebow’s acolytes would probably call the turnaround divine intervention. But, of course, that’s bullshit. God doesn’t need to intervene to make the Dolphins lose. They sacrifice themselves. Against the Broncos, they did so by deciding not to rush for the last three minutes of the game, i.e., they decided to do the only thing that would let Tebow find his footing. In church, they call that penitence. After nine straight losses dating back to last season, I call it immaculate stupidity.
One good thing about loving the Dolphins is hating the Jets, especially when they make it easy, as the current roster certainly does: Coach Rex Ryan has a loud mouth and a secret foot fetish; QB Mark Sanchez has a rape case in his background; and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has nine kids from eight women in six states. These are despicable reprobates, and I shall hate the team that pays them every Sunday forever.
The Dolphins-Jets match-up on Monday Night Football was an atrocity. The Dolphins’ opening drive was classic Tony Sparano. Reggie Bush finally broke one loose. Brandon Marshall forearm fucked Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis in an exciting play. Then they made an inconceivably blind pass attempt on third down and inches towards the same Darrelle Revis, who, they seem to have forgotten, is the best cover cornerback in the league. The game plan seemed to be to continue to throw at this man. I’d like the moxie if, in this case, the moxie wasn’t moronic. Sure enough on the Dolphins’ next drive, Revis picked one off and ran it back for a TD for what seemed like two hours. Moxie. Morons.
The now 0-5 Dolphins never turned it around. Or got it started. The Jets decided to start playing shortly before halftime and never looked back on their way to snapping their own three-game losing streak with a 24-6 victory over our hapless squad.
After the game, wide (un)receiver Brandon Marshall told the media, “This is embarrassing. We have way too many players in our locker room to be sitting at 0-5. Hopefully, things can get turned around. We’ll see what happens.” I don’t who Marshall is talking about when he says “too many players”. If one thing was clear during the MNF game, it was that the Dolphins have no stars whatsoever. It’s like a talent show in Greenland.
Sweet Christ. The Miami Dolphins are as ugly and useless as a sixth toe at this point. The San Diego Chargers casually dismantled us, leaving our starting quarterback with an unnamed shoulder injury as we head into the bye tail-spinning like a drunken pilot in a Moldovan Air Show. As for Tony Sparano, he looked like he was interviewing for a coordinator position when he walked across the field to congratulate Norv Turner after the game.
Let’s face it, when Chad Henne went down in the first quarter with a busted shoulder the season went with him. Backup Matt Moore was passable (bah!), completing 17 out of 26 tosses for 167 yards with an interception. But we all know the Dolphins aren’t going anywhere with Moore at the helm of this sinking garbage barge.
At 0-4, a hole only one team in NFL history — the Chargers! — has emerged from to make the playoffs, we can almost certainly rule out postseason play. On the dubiously bright side, I’m not sure we’re bad enough to assure ourselves first pick in the 2012 draft, which means we may miss out on Stanford stud Andrew Luck, who analysts are calling the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. It’s probably for the best though. Knowing general manager Jeff Ireland’s scouting skills, we would probably have passed on Luck with the first pick in favor of a defensive lineman with sleep apnea.