It has been too long since my last letter, dearest Stephen. I apologize for the lapse. The weather has been nice. I hope you’ve been getting out for fresh air during the occasional walk or awkwardly helmeted Segway ride.
Immediately after the final seconds ticked off the clock of the Miami Dolphins dominant 24-10 win over the Buffalo Bills, the television provided a delightfully telling Dolphins football moment when it cut over to the close of the Bengals-Steelers matchup that officially eliminated the Dolphins playoffs pipe dreams.
After a regrettable hiatus last week, I sat down once again to right/write the Damn Dolphins ship and soak in the confusing mediocrity of Miami Dolphins football. They defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars — at best, the second worst team in the league — by a score of 24-3. It was a pretty boring game with theoretical playoff implications for the Dolphins that would require the grand scale tragic death of the entire roster of half of the NFL teams. The Dolphins season is basically wearing a tin foil hat and hoping the Mayan’s were right. Great.
The Miami Dolphins played admirably against the New England Patriots on Sunday, which is to say, played well enough to lose. We played from behind starting with the opening drive when usually reliable punter Brandon Fields mishandled a botched snap and handed fancy-pants browbeater Tom Brady and his Patriots a touchdown on a platter. They flogged themselves, those Dolphins, and lost 23-16 in a close game that never really seemed all that competitive.
In the third quarter of Sunday’s Miami Dolphins-Seattle Seahawks game, the in-field sprinklers shot up and sprayed water everywhere. It was unexpected-bordering-on-surreal and good for a much-needed laugh. Every once and a while, we need to remember that football’s just a game. In fact, at that moment I would have loved to see the Dolphins and the Seahawks call Week Twelve a draw, crack a few beers, and set up a slip-and-slide party.
I wasn’t ready to watch the Miami Dolphins on Thursday. After Sunday’s skin flaying by the Titans, I needed a week of proper sleep and a full cycle of anti-anxietals. But I only got four days, and so did the Dolphins, which showed in their tepid 19-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills on Thursday Night Football.
You’ll often hear people refer to bad sports performances as “an egg” or teams “laying an egg” (color announcer and noted ear parasite Steve Tasker said it like seven times on Sunday). But in describing the egg the Dolphins laid in their 37-3 loss to the Tennesse Titans at home, Tasker forgot to mention it was a GIANT AFRICAN ELEPHANT BIRD EGG, the largest and most impressive extant egg specimen in the world.
RIP The Dodo and the 2012 Dolphins.
Welcome back, that familiar post-game malaise and creeping depression into your life.
When the Miami Dolphins beat the New York Jets, everything is just the best. It doesn’t matter how it gets done. It just matters that the Jets are embarrassed, and they were completely de-pantsed with horrible shrinkage in a 30-9 romp on Sunday.
With this week’s 17-14 win over the St. Louis Rams, the Miami Dolphins are officially mediocre on paper with 3 wins and 3 losses. A lot of people keep talking about how they could be a 5-1 team had the two overtime losses gone a different way. But thinking like that is the sports fan equivalent of drunk-texting an ex.