Is football the most important thing in America?

By | January 14th, 2013 | 5 Comments
-- photo via

The Steubenville rape case shows how far football mania can go. — photo via

In an open letter to Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross after the 2011-2012 NFL season, Beached Miami Damn Dolphins columnist Nathaniel Sandler made a bold claim: “Football is the most important thing in America.” As a sports fan who is not particularly fanatic about American football, I first considered the claim a ridiculous exaggeration. Then Sandler’s brief explanation made me realize what he meant by it, and why it was not only not a ridiculous claim but possibly true.

Read the rest of this entry »

Damn Dolphins: Draft Notes

By | April 30th, 2012 | 1 Comment
Incoming by Robby Campbell

With a therapeutic sense of dread, Nathaniel watched and analyzed the Miami Dolphins' 2012 draft. -- illustration by Robby Campbell

Sitting down to watch the first round of the NFL Draft on Thursday night, I felt a sort of cathartic cynicism. The Dolphins are terrible and there’s nothing that could happen that would change that. Four years after the arrival of general manager Jeff Ireland, the team is thin at every position on both sides of the ball. There’s only one guy left on the roster from Ireland’s first draft: Jake Long, who was universally accepted as a surefire star when the Dolphins selected him with the first overall pick in 2008. If you believe the rumors (I don’t), Long may be leaving soon, too.

Read the rest of this entry »

Damn Dolphins: Lord Ha’ Mercy

By | March 20th, 2012 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

Peyton is heading to Denver, and Nathaniel is hopping mad.

I had to chime in. I’ve got this mouthpiece here and I need to yell slobberingly through it. What is this Dolphins team doing? Besides not taking my advice and prompting the rest of the NFL and assorted sports media to make bold statements about how the franchise is the most poorly run in the NFL. I can’t help but wonder if owner Stephen Ross thought that when he spearheaded the team’s “regime change” he was going to get United Nations funding and some goodwill momentum from heads of state in the Balkans.

Read the rest of this entry »