Damn Dolphins: Week Two

By | September 17th, 2012 | No Comments
Nathaniel Sandler (Halloween)

After a Week One loss to the Texans, the Dolphins bounced back with a convincing win against the Raiders.

It was an exciting opening Sunday at Clown Shoe Stadium, the Miami Dolphins’ home field and ritualistic self-mutilation campground. The diehard fans will be happy to know that the Orange Carpet is gone, the old fight song is back, and the team has been officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And after a pathetic and lifeless loss last week to the Houston Texans, the Dolphins bounced back with a skull-crushing 35-13 victory over the Oakland Raiders. This team is well are on their way to restoring the simple mediocrity that has defined itself for the last decade and a half.

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Damn Dolphins: Week Thirteen

By | December 5th, 2011 | No Comments
Incoming by Robby Campbell

After a dominating Dolphins victory, Nathaniel struggles to understand his emotions.

The Miami Dolphins dismantled the Oakland Raiders with the furious cruelty of Vlad the Impaler in Sunday’s 34-14 victory. Watching your team crush its opponent usually feels good. Great! But, win or lose, this season’s Dolphins always leave me in a post-game confusion. No matter what what just happened, I never know how I should feel.

On Sunday Missionary Matt Moore reinforced his brand of winning with boring precision: 13 of 25 for 162 yards and one touchdown. If I were any good at Photoshop, I would create an image of Moore sitting in traffic, listening to smooth jazz while on the phone with his insurance company, wearing a beige T-shirt. Hard to fault him for winning, but, if he’s going to play the Doomed Dolphins out of a top-ten pick, at least make it exciting!

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